Clerks III

00:34:00,573 --> 00:34:02,209 "who is cosplaying as Tony stark." 766 00:34:02,310 --> 00:34:04,345 That's just in the screen direction. 767 00:34:04,444 --> 00:34:05,980 Nobody actually calls Dan-t 768 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:08,581 "a hideous fuckin' chud." To his face. 769 00:34:08,682 --> 00:34:09,783 I can't believe you made me 770 00:34:09,883 --> 00:34:11,551 sign a non-disclosure agreement, 771 00:34:11,651 --> 00:34:13,187 only to read that I'm not even 772 00:34:13,287 --> 00:34:14,998 one of the main characters in the story of your life. 773 00:34:15,022 --> 00:34:16,523 I mean, I knew I was never the Luke, 774 00:34:16,623 --> 00:34:18,035 but I thought I was at least the han. 775 00:34:18,059 --> 00:34:19,659 Oh, come on, I'm the han 776 00:34:19,759 --> 00:34:20,839 and the Luke, right? 777 00:34:20,894 --> 00:34:23,463 Then who am I, the Chewie? 778 00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,166 I think Elias is more the Chewie, no? 779 00:34:25,266 --> 00:34:27,201 Unless this is empire then I'm the lando 780 00:34:27,301 --> 00:34:28,668 and he's the lobot. 781 00:34:28,768 --> 00:34:30,071 I'm not even the lobot? 782 00:34:30,171 --> 00:34:31,571 Which one's lobot? 783 00:34:31,671 --> 00:34:32,815 He's the one with the headphones who looks like 784 00:34:32,839 --> 00:34:34,039 a dad who's trying to be a dj. 785 00:34:34,108 --> 00:34:35,709 The bald fucker from bespin 786 00:34:35,809 --> 00:34:37,220 who never says nothing the whole movie. 787 00:34:37,244 --> 00:34:39,180 Wouldn't that make silent Bob the lobot? 788 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,849 No. Jay and silent Bob are clearly the C-3PO and r2-d2. 789 00:34:42,950 --> 00:34:44,794 I mean, they've been here since the first movie, 790 00:34:44,818 --> 00:34:46,753 which was the last time they were cool, 791 00:34:46,853 --> 00:34:48,688 but they've been with the franchise so long 792 00:34:48,788 --> 00:34:49,957 they still give them cameos 793 00:34:50,057 --> 00:34:51,524 and put them on the lunchboxes. 794 00:34:51,624 --> 00:34:55,262 So if I'm not Luke, han, Chewie, lando, 795 00:34:55,363 --> 00:34:56,863 the droids or the lobot, 796 00:34:56,964 --> 00:34:58,665 <i>then who the fuck am I in your star wars,</i> 797 00:34:58,765 --> 00:35:00,667 Princess fucking Leia? No. 798 00:35:00,767 --> 00:35:02,136 You're the dak. 799 00:35:02,236 --> 00:35:04,537 Who the fuck is dak? 800 00:35:04,637 --> 00:35:06,073 He's Luke Skywalker's tail gunner 801 00:35:06,173 --> 00:35:07,841 in the battle of hoth. 802 00:35:07,942 --> 00:35:09,410 You know, the guy who's ready 803 00:35:09,509 --> 00:35:10,911 to take on the whole empire himself 804 00:35:11,012 --> 00:35:12,621 until the empire kills the shit out of him? 805 00:35:12,645 --> 00:35:15,782 Did dak even get an action figure? 806 00:35:15,882 --> 00:35:18,019 Not in the classic kenner line, no. 807 00:35:18,119 --> 00:35:19,719 Because? 808 00:35:19,819 --> 00:35:21,465 Because he was deemed unimportant to the story. 809 00:35:21,489 --> 00:35:22,923 But that's just bullshit, man. 810 00:35:23,024 --> 00:35:26,260 Without dak, Luke could have never... 811 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:30,164 Like, dak was the only guy that's, like, uh... 812 00:35:30,264 --> 00:35:33,867 I mean, dak was plucky as shit, man, just like you. 813 00:35:33,968 --> 00:35:35,936 Uh, I have a question about the script. 814 00:35:36,037 --> 00:35:37,304 Great, more fuckin' notes. 815 00:35:37,405 --> 00:35:39,073 Go ahead. Yes. 816 00:35:39,173 --> 00:35:41,875 Uh, I have a problem with the friar fuck character, 817 00:35:41,976 --> 00:35:43,610 who, I believe, is supposed to be me. 818 00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:46,380 Friar fuck, uh, loves Jesus, 819 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,783 uh, to what appears to be an unhealthy degree. 820 00:35:50,217 --> 00:35:51,385 And? 821 00:35:51,485 --> 00:35:54,088 And Elias is a born again satanist. 822 00:35:54,188 --> 00:35:56,023 Because it was Satan who saved you 823 00:35:56,123 --> 00:35:58,591 when my prayers fell on the deaf ears of Jesus, 824 00:35:58,691 --> 00:36:00,660 the giant jerkoff. 825 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:02,363 All right, listen up, friar fuck. 826 00:36:02,463 --> 00:36:03,763 I get that you just broke up 827 00:36:03,863 --> 00:36:05,732 with your boyfriend Jesus recently, 828 00:36:05,832 --> 00:36:07,734 and clearly you're going through some couture 829 00:36:07,834 --> 00:36:09,437 and cosmetic stuff because of it. 830 00:36:09,537 --> 00:36:11,372 But for the first 36 years of your life, 831 00:36:11,472 --> 00:36:14,341 you were into Jesus to an unhealthy degree, 832 00:36:14,442 --> 00:36:17,610 and that's the Elias that I based friar fuck on. 833 00:36:17,710 --> 00:36:19,413 Then this script is based on lies. 834 00:36:19,513 ...