Jimmy Carr: His Dark Material

313 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,120 Eighteen? 314 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,360 - Eighteen, and out with Mom? - Yeah. 315 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:56,640 Aw. 316 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,320 Can't imagine the next five minutes is gonna go great for you, is it? 317 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,240 What? I used to go out with my mom all the time. 318 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,520 She's very nice. She brought us up on her own. 319 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,800 She'd invite us along to things. She's very kind. 320 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,600 I remember, the only time it ever went wrong, 321 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,480 I was about 13, and Mom said, "You wanna come to the cinema?" 322 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:19,480 I went, "Yeah." 323 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,520 I went to see <i>9 1/2 Weeks </i>with my mom. 324 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,200 If you're not familiar, it's a soft-core porn film from the '80s, 325 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,640 starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. 326 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,120 I know that 'cause it's burnt on my fucking retina. 327 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,920 It's soft-core porn. Obviously, she didn't know. 328 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,920 We arrived at the cinema, and this thing started. 329 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,400 I was like 13, just entering puberty, watching soft-core porn with my mom. 330 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,000 Fucking awkward. 331 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,480 And as I say, she's a very funny woman. She waited-- 332 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,840 The whole thing is a sex scene, but there's one where they're going at it 333 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,600 like a barn door in a fucking gale. 334 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,480 She nudged me, and so the whole cinema could hear, she went: 335 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,800 "They'll sleep tonight." 336 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,640 Even at 26, my mom did all my washing for me. 337 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,200 I remember sitting in the bath, thinking, "I'm old enough to wash on my own, Mom." 338 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,560 My mom walked in on me masturbating. 339 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,200 I said, "Mom, stop masturbating." 340 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,840 You're looking at me like, "Moms don't masturbate." Yeah, they do. 341 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:36,440 Your mom. 342 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,600 Here, I'll prove it to you. 343 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,880 You ever go home and there's no batteries in the TV remote? 344 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,440 Mystery solved. 345 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,720 Mom's had some "me time." 346 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,280 She's only here to check me out. 347 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,840 It's a health and safety nightmare. She could slip off her seat. 348 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,880 It's easier being a man than a woman. We agree? 349 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:07,840 - Yes. - Yeah. 350 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,120 I think it happens very early in life, and our language betrays us. 351 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,200 When you were a little boy, there's loads of fun names for your dick. 352 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,920 "Knob," "winky," "tommy banana." 353 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,960 "Tommy banana," it's a medical term. 354 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,440 For the girls, it's more difficult. 355 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:30,240 When I was growing up, the girls would call their, uh, Sunday face... 356 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,640 They would call it their "fine china" 357 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,440 because they're rhyming slang, "fine china, vagina." 358 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,360 I think it's a nice term. It was fine until my father came home and said: 359 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,440 "The boss is coming to dinner. Everyone on your best behavior." 360 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,600 Then turned to Mom and went, "Better get your fine china out." 361 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,240 Someone wants that promotion. 362 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,240 It's quite a nice term, "fine china." 363 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,800 You only get your fine china out on a special occasion. 364 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,080 "What's your fine china like?" "It's got a little crack in it." 365 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,760 "Would you like cream in your fine china? 366 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,480 Would you rather in your mug?" 367 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,080 "I'm sorry, darling. I've smashed your mother's fine china." 368 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,480 Just ladies on this, because men can be dreadful, 369 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,200 favorite term, now or then, for your vajayjay. 370 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,200 What do you call your vajayjay? 371 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,480 - "Minky"? 372 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,320 - Or "minke"? 373 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,280 Because it's soft like