Ricky Gervais: Mortality

This is absolutely true. Right? I'm eating. 478 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,320 Every time he went… [snorts] …I went, "Cunt!" 479 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,320 [raucous laughter] 480 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,360 [scattered applause and whistles] 481 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,120 That is what you get. That is what you get. 482 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,880 [applause and whooping] 483 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,040 I did want this show to be more highbrow than this. 484 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:55,640 Joking aside, I think this is my most honest and confessional show so far. 485 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,640 Not in an Edinburgh-fringe type way, you know what I mean? 486 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,480 "Oh, my parents died, so I went all autistic." 487 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,040 -None of the… -[laughter] 488 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,400 None of that shit, right? 489 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,200 My parents did die, but I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic, 490 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,440 'cause once, someone gave me a Rubik's Cube, 491 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,480 and I put it straight in the fucking bin. 492 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,240 [laughter and applause] 493 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,360 [Ricky chuckles] 494 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,720 I think that is the test. 495 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,360 [laughter subsides] 496 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,800 No, um, it's called Mortality, but it's a… it's a positive show, 497 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,640 um, I think, and it's… 498 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,920 I wanna tell you some of the things I've learned, 499 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,560 what it's like to be me at this age, 'cause I'm getting old now. 500 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,680 See? That's silence, for the first year. 501 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,120 Up until this year, people would go, "You're not old." Now they go, "Go on." 502 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,640 Like that. It's like… In fact, they make it worse. 503 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,840 They say things like, "Oh yeah, but the good thing about getting old is 504 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,760 you don't care what people think about you." 505 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,920 Well, you should care a bit, because caring what people think about you 506 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,880 is what stops you walking around with shit down your trousers. 507 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,040 [laughter] 508 00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,480 "Oh, look at Grandad." 509 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:00,560 "Look, he…" 510 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,400 "He doesn't care what people think about him." 511 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,920 No, he's wanking at a wedding. He doesn't, no. 512 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,000 [laughter] 513 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,440 But, as I say, it's a… it's a positive show. 514 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,240 It's not all doom and gloom, getting old. There's good and bad to getting old. 515 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,160 There really is. There's good and bad to getting old. 516 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,200 For example, yes, there's more chance now 517 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,120 of me having a heart attack, having a stroke, getting cancer, 518 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,080 but much less chance now 519 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,120 of me ever being raped in prison. 520 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,520 -[laughter] -Yeah. See? 521 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,360 When I was a young man, I thought, "Fuck, I can never go to jail, 522 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,600 not with this cute ass." Right? 523 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,800 But now, I'd be pretty confident I'd be left alone. 524 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,480 You know, like, I'd go down the corridor, my first day, 525 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,320 with my little towel, whistling along. 526 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,280 They'd all come to the bars and go, "Ugh." You know what I mean? 527 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,840 I'd spend as much time as I wanted in the shower. 528 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:52,800 [laughter] 529 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,760 No one's even looking. Not a sniff, nothing. 530 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,120 The big danger for me, these days, bending over in a prison shower, 531 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,120 would be my back going, right? 532 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,280 And just crumpling to the floor and having to be helped to my bunk 533 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,320 by two big, gay rapists, and they just… 534 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,840 -[laughter] -…put me down naked and leave. 535 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,200 I go, "Lads, before you go, I've done my shoulder in." 536 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,320 "Can you… A little tug?" All right? 537 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,960 They go, "Nah." 538 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,120 I go, "What do you mean, 'no'? You're literally gay rapists." 539 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,200 They go, 540 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,600 "We're not monsters." 541 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,960 [laughter] 542 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,640 I'd also be more confident going to jail 'caus