Jimmy Carr: Live

00:26:14,007 --> 00:26:16,805 He said, "Don't panic. Could be quite serious. Probably isn't but I'll pop over." 406 00:26:16,847 --> 00:26:21,875 l said, "What shall I do in the meantime?" He said, "Finish yourseIf off." 407 00:26:21,927 --> 00:26:25,044 Don't give me that look. It was the right thing to do. 408 00:26:25,087 --> 00:26:26,761 l realize I shouldn't take the piss out of asthmatics. 409 00:26:26,762 --> 00:26:27,991 They have got enough to worry about 410 00:26:28,047 --> 00:26:31,198 The National asthmatic emergency helpline service was shut down recently. 411 00:26:31,247 --> 00:26:34,922 Apparently a problem with all the obscene phone calls. 412 00:26:39,207 --> 00:26:42,597 A lot of asthmatics in? No. I would have heard you. 413 00:26:44,607 --> 00:26:45,633 I don't know if anyone's got this 414 00:26:45,833 --> 00:26:48,566 Are there lots of couples in this evening? How many couples do we have? 415 00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:53,123 Quite a few, by show of hands. How many by shouting out? 416 00:26:53,167 --> 00:26:56,364 - (Several people shout) - Hundreds. Brilliant. 417 00:26:56,407 --> 00:26:58,300 Does anyone have this arrangement in their relationship? 418 00:26:58,500 --> 00:26:59,556 It's becoming ever more common now 419 00:26:59,607 --> 00:27:03,395 for couples to have an arrangement whereby they're faithful to each other 420 00:27:03,447 --> 00:27:05,526 but they have got a clause whereby if one of them was to meet 421 00:27:05,530 --> 00:27:08,566 a certain celebrity, they'd be allowed to stray. 422 00:27:09,567 --> 00:27:12,718 Has anyone got that going on in their relationship? 423 00:27:12,767 --> 00:27:15,156 - Who have you got? - (Man) <font color=#008000>You!</font> 424 00:27:19,087 --> 00:27:21,078 Right. 425 00:27:24,327 --> 00:27:26,522 l notice that you're sitting next to a lady. 426 00:27:27,367 --> 00:27:30,643 - (Inaudible comment) - You're gonna do what at home? 427 00:27:30,687 --> 00:27:33,076 - Kill me. - She's gonna kill you? Right. 428 00:27:33,127 --> 00:27:36,085 Or strap one on and fuck you, certainly. 429 00:27:38,087 --> 00:27:40,078 It'll be one or the other. 430 00:27:40,127 --> 00:27:41,958 Anyone else got one? 431 00:27:42,007 --> 00:27:45,477 - You've got one? Who have you got? <font color=#008000>- Jim Carrey.</font> 432 00:27:47,247 --> 00:27:50,796 All right. He might be up for it. 433 00:27:50,847 --> 00:27:53,077 And who's your boyfriend got? 434 00:27:56,807 --> 00:27:59,196 "Anything, I'm not bothered"? 435 00:28:01,887 --> 00:28:03,286 What? Sorry? 436 00:28:03,327 --> 00:28:05,636 <font color=#008000>- Anything good-looking. </font>- Anything good-looking? 437 00:28:05,687 --> 00:28:07,678 A bit of a change, yeah. Lovely. 438 00:28:11,767 --> 00:28:13,883 You can't say that. 439 00:28:14,907 --> 00:28:16,775 The reason I mentioned is because I have got an arrangement with my girlfriend 440 00:28:16,975 --> 00:28:19,758 Whereby I get the opportunity to sleep with Kylie Minogue, 441 00:28:19,807 --> 00:28:21,798 she can fuck off. 442 00:28:24,967 --> 00:28:27,925 Are you all aware of what snowballing is? The sexual practice snowballing? 443 00:28:27,967 --> 00:28:31,277 - (Man) <font color=#008000>Yeah.</font> - Who was that down there? 444 00:28:31,327 --> 00:28:33,363 Quite proud of that. Well done. 445 00:28:33,407 --> 00:28:37,002 Everyone else, nonetheless. OK I'll explain It says something about you. 446 00:28:37,847 --> 00:28:40,858 Snowballing is a sexual practice where Having administered oral sex, 447 00:28:40,860 --> 00:28:45,280 your partner doesn't spit or swallow so much as return to sender via a kiss. 448 00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:49,565 You're looking shocked and appalled as I explained that to you. 449 00:28:49,607 --> 00:28:52,326 Let me assure you, l found out the hard way. 450 00:28:55,807 --> 00:28:58,526 It does raise an interesting moral dilemma. 451 00:28:58,567 --> 00:29:01,286 Should you spit or swallow? 452 00:29:02,167 --> 00:29:04,727 Well, if you really love yourself. 453 00:29:10,087 --> 00:29:14,285 l can see some friends of mine up there And You're explaining it to your mum. 454 00:29:16,407 --> 00:29:19,319 What a brilliant day out that'll be. 455 00:29:19,367 --> 00:29:22,723 What a lovely drive home. "So, this snowballing thing..." 456 00:29:22,767 --> 00:29:25,804 Ha-ha! Marvellous. 457 00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:28,566 - Are there any Catholics in? - (A few people shout) 458 00:29:28,607 --> 00:29:32,600 A few. I'm a lapsed Catholic. I don't know much about Catholicism but I like the ideas. 459 00:29:32,647 --> 00:29:35,992 l like the idea of the confirmation. Confirmation correct me if I'm wrong 460 00:29:35,997 --> 00:29:38,083 It's when you're about 12 and you meet a bishop. 461 00:29:38,127 --> 00:29:41,836 An