Neal Brennan: 3 Mics

353 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,816 "Yeah, minimum wage is fine for me." 354 00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:06,951 One hundred percent of people who eat 355 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,787 in that dining section of the grocery store are murderers. 356 00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:22,758 If I were black, I would stand in front of tanning salons all day 357 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:24,468 and laugh at the customers. 358 00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,029 I grew up Catholic. Anybody else? 359 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:47,950 Still doing it? 360 00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:49,702 - No. - No? 361 00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:53,998 They never... Being Catholic's like playing trombone. 362 00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:57,376 After 12th grade, you're, like, "I don't have to do that shit anymore." 363 00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,136 The older I get, you know who I respect more and more? Muslims. 364 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,781 What they believe feels foreign to us, but they're committed to it. 365 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:12,158 They're, like, "God came to us a couple of thousand years ago, 366 00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:15,519 had some simple rules: Pray five times a day, don't eat ham, 367 00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:17,688 women gotta dress like ninjas. 368 00:23:21,984 --> 00:23:23,986 Those are the rules. Until we hear back, 369 00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,696 we're sticking with those rules." 370 00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:30,451 Whereas Catholicism will change whenever. The new Pope is barely even Catholic. 371 00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:34,663 He is. And he's trying to be, like, a cool stepdad about shit. 372 00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:40,085 "So, I understand drugs are called 'Mollys' now? I get it." 373 00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,175 I feel the Pope just makes shit up. 374 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:49,720 Last year they asked the Pope, "Can pets get into heaven?" 375 00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:52,014 And he thinks for a second, he goes... 376 00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:53,849 "Yeah. 377 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:57,936 Fuck it, everybody gets a plus-one. I just decided." 378 00:24:00,814 --> 00:24:03,859 At one point, they asked the Pope, "What do you think of gay marriage?" 379 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:06,278 The Pope goes, "Who am I to judge gay people?" 380 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:07,613 Dude... 381 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:10,491 you're the Pope! 382 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:14,328 For the last thousand years, you've had two jobs: One, judging gay people, 383 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:17,706 and two, covering up gay things that your coworkers are doing. 384 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:27,216 Those are your jobs as the Pope. 385 00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:30,219 That, and dressing like an outer-space pimp... 386 00:24:33,639 --> 00:24:35,265 with an unlimited budget. 387 00:24:37,935 --> 00:24:40,854 He has red shoes and a clear car. That's a pimp. 388 00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:47,986 I hang out with a lot of black dudes. 389 00:24:48,696 --> 00:24:51,156 White people are always, like, "What's it like?" 390 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,701 We don't do anything crazy, we just eat and talk. 391 00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:55,452 I don't have to rap. 392 00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,266 Here's the shitty part about hanging with black dudes: 393 00:25:00,290 --> 00:25:03,836 Guys try to out-tough each other to see who had it worse growing up. 394 00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:06,272 I try to compete with my black friends, but they always beat me. 395 00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:09,508 They'll be, like, "My fucking dad vanished on my sixth birthday." 396 00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:10,902 I'm, like, "I can relate to that, 397 00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:14,722 because my mother would often disappear into a good book." 398 00:25:20,811 --> 00:25:23,272 Too close to call, am I right? 399 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:31,113 Let's play a game called "Sounds Racist, Isn't Racist." Ready? 400 00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:37,745 Such a horrible setup for a white person to give. 401 00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:41,665 No, here it is. "There have been a lot of good slave movies lately." 402 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,836 Sounds racist. I just enjoy them as movies. 403 00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:48,589 You guys think I think it's a documentary. I get it. 404 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:53,570 Here's what I've learned hanging out with black dudes: 405 00:25:53,594 --> 00:25:55,220 When a new slave movie comes out, 406 00:25:55,304 --> 00:25:58,432 can't be your idea as the white person to go see it. 407 00:26:00,976 --> 00:26:03,520 Can't be, like, "Have I got a movie for us. Follow me. 408 00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:08,859 Hi, could I get 14 for <i>Django,</i> please? Thank you." 409 00:26:10,736 --> 00:26:15,199 Slavery is such a big deal. It's such a big deal. 410 00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:17,576 If I were black, I'd talk about it constantly. 411 00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:21,205