Noises Off...

What've they got to offer? One microwave oven. 680 00:34:40,246 --> 00:34:42,548 50 quid, hardly worth lifting it. 681 00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:44,850 Come here. 682 00:34:44,883 --> 00:34:47,219 Junk, junk, junk. 683 00:34:47,819 --> 00:34:49,788 Well yes, if you insist. 684 00:34:49,821 --> 00:34:53,692 Now, where's his desk? They all say the same thing. 685 00:34:53,725 --> 00:34:55,694 It's hard to adjust to retirement. 686 00:34:55,727 --> 00:34:58,430 The prospective tenant naturally wishes to know 687 00:34:58,464 --> 00:35:02,434 If there's any previous history of paranormal phenomena. 688 00:35:02,468 --> 00:35:05,571 Yes, dear, everything's all nice and paranormal here. 689 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:10,309 Has anything ever dematerialized before? Has anything ever flown about? 690 00:35:10,342 --> 00:35:12,611 No, the things move themselves on their own. 691 00:35:12,644 --> 00:35:15,314 See, just like they do in any house. 692 00:35:15,347 --> 00:35:17,583 I'll tell the prospective tenant. 693 00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,585 She is inspecting the study. 694 00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,589 There's a man in there. 695 00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:25,757 - There's no one in the house. - Look! 696 00:35:25,791 --> 00:35:28,927 - He's searching for something. - I can't see no one. 697 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,798 You can't him? This is extraordinary. Where's my prospective tenant? 698 00:35:32,831 --> 00:35:35,934 I left her in there. My prospective tenant has disappeared. 699 00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:36,835 - My god! 700 00:35:36,868 --> 00:35:38,604 - There. 701 00:35:38,637 --> 00:35:40,939 - The sardines. 702 00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:44,210 I can see them. I can see the way they're going, too. 703 00:35:44,243 --> 00:35:47,746 I'm not letting them out of my hand. But where's my prospective tenant? 704 00:35:47,779 --> 00:35:50,582 I can see i'm going to be opening sardines all night. 705 00:35:50,616 --> 00:35:53,319 Been in and out of there like a cuckoo on a clock. 706 00:35:53,352 --> 00:35:55,754 - Vicki! - He said "you're 70 years old." 707 00:35:55,787 --> 00:35:59,525 "Time to hand over the ammonia bottle to a younger man." 708 00:35:59,558 --> 00:36:01,960 She can't have gone back into the bedroom. 709 00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:06,498 "I may be 70," i said, "but i've still got all my wits about me." 710 00:36:07,699 --> 00:36:09,801 He didn't have an answer to that. 711 00:36:09,835 --> 00:36:11,837 Vicki! 712 00:36:11,870 --> 00:36:15,341 - If he did, i didn't hear it. 713 00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:18,510 That stuff that eats through anything doesn't eat through glue. 714 00:36:18,544 --> 00:36:22,514 It just eats through trousers. You don't think it eats through... 715 00:36:22,548 --> 00:36:25,717 Listen, darling, i better get these trousers off. 716 00:36:25,751 --> 00:36:30,289 Darling, this is an emergency. If it eats through absolutely anything... 717 00:36:30,322 --> 00:36:32,991 I feel it. It's eating through absolutely everything. 718 00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,927 - There's something evil here. - Oh... inland revenue! 719 00:36:35,961 --> 00:36:38,464 - He's back. - No, i'm not here. 720 00:36:38,497 --> 00:36:39,665 - Oh, my god. - I'm abroad. 721 00:36:39,698 --> 00:36:41,500 - He's walking abroad. - I must go. 722 00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:42,968 - Stay! - I'm not staying. 723 00:36:43,001 --> 00:36:45,971 - Speak! - Only in the presence of my lawyer. 724 00:36:46,004 --> 00:36:50,409 Hold on, you're just an intruder. An ordinary intruder. 725 00:36:50,442 --> 00:36:52,678 Nice to meet you. I mean, have a sardine. 726 00:36:52,711 --> 00:36:55,847 No, you're not. You're some kind of sex criminal. 727 00:36:55,881 --> 00:36:59,285 You've done something to vicki. I'll come down and sort you out. 728 00:36:59,318 --> 00:37:01,553 I see you've got some sardines. 729 00:37:01,587 --> 00:37:03,689 - If there's nothing i can offer you... - Police! 730 00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:05,957 - ...I'll be running along. - Come back! 731 00:37:05,991 --> 00:37:08,460 Hello, police? Someone has broken into my house. 732 00:37:08,494 --> 00:37:10,729 Or rather, broken into someone's house. 733 00:37:10,762 --> 00:37:13,599 Yes, a sex criminal! A young woman is missing. 734 00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:16,034 It's in the garden now! And it's a man. 735 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:18,704 The young woman has reappeared. Are you all right? 736 00:37:18,737 --> 00:37:21,673 - No! He almost saw me. - He almost saw her! 737 00:37:21,707 --> 00:37:24,876 No, but he's a burglar as well. He's taken our things. 738 00:37:24,910 --> 00:37:27,045 - The things are here. - They've come back. 739 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:29,047 We're just missing a plate of sardines. 740 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,350 - Here are the