Bill Burr: You People Are All The Same

619 00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,166 That's why I never got married. 620 00:24:43,167 --> 00:24:44,833 Never thought about getting married. 621 00:24:44,834 --> 00:24:46,833 It just looked horrific. 622 00:24:46,834 --> 00:24:48,366 It looked really difficult. 623 00:24:48,367 --> 00:24:50,967 It looked like a lot of 'em failed. 624 00:24:50,968 --> 00:24:52,099 Then if you had a kid, 625 00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:54,566 you had that whole weird situation, right? 626 00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:56,666 You got this thing that half looks like you, 627 00:24:56,667 --> 00:24:58,399 half looks like somebody you used to love 628 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,132 and now wanna slap the shit out of, right? 629 00:25:01,133 --> 00:25:03,233 Kid's coming up to the walk. 630 00:25:03,234 --> 00:25:05,299 You're like, "Son, just look to the right a little. 631 00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:08,800 Let me just kinda... " "But, dad, I wanna look at ya." 632 00:25:08,801 --> 00:25:10,933 [Laughs] 633 00:25:10,934 --> 00:25:12,566 It's brutal! 634 00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:14,900 My dad was the exact opposite. 635 00:25:14,901 --> 00:25:17,533 Fell in love, got married, just started having kids. 636 00:25:17,534 --> 00:25:20,700 Had five kids by the time he was 33. 637 00:25:20,701 --> 00:25:23,733 Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil, 638 00:25:23,734 --> 00:25:25,733 pre-<i> chicken soup for</i> <i>the "Holy fuck,</i> 639 00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:26,967 <i>I got five kids.</i> 640 00:25:26,968 --> 00:25:29,366 <i>I don't even know who I am yet."</i> 641 00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:31,600 The pressure of that, feeding all those kids, man. 642 00:25:31,601 --> 00:25:32,766 I'm telling you. 643 00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:34,433 Every three or four days, he would just snap. 644 00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:36,299 Just snap outta nowhere, you know? 645 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:37,867 "Can you pass the salt?" "Ah, you fucking bitch! 646 00:25:37,868 --> 00:25:39,633 What the fuck did I get married for, it's bullshit!" 647 00:25:39,634 --> 00:25:42,433 Boom! he'd slam the door, have the car in third gear 648 00:25:42,434 --> 00:25:44,399 by the time he got it to the end of the driveway. 649 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,433 Buh-buh-bah-bah! 650 00:25:46,434 --> 00:25:48,600 My mother would always do the exact same shit. 651 00:25:48,601 --> 00:25:50,566 Just lock the door behind him, turn around, 652 00:25:50,567 --> 00:25:51,633 look at the kids, and just be like... 653 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,533 "Sss. eesh!" 654 00:25:53,534 --> 00:25:55,032 [Laughter] 655 00:25:55,033 --> 00:25:58,900 "Now, he's just crazy. He's just a crazy person. 656 00:25:58,901 --> 00:26:00,833 What is wrong with him?" 657 00:26:00,834 --> 00:26:02,233 Eight hours later, he'd show up. 658 00:26:02,234 --> 00:26:04,199 No apology. She'd have dinner ready. 659 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,466 She messed it up, he'd give her a rough time. 660 00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:09,633 "Christ, you cooked the shit out of it!" 661 00:26:09,634 --> 00:26:13,066 [Laughs] 662 00:26:13,067 --> 00:26:14,233 I don't know. 663 00:26:14,234 --> 00:26:16,533 I think I'll be a good dad, though. 664 00:26:16,534 --> 00:26:18,399 You know? [Laughter] 665 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,333 I do. 666 00:26:20,334 --> 00:26:22,166 [Laughs] No, analyze it. 667 00:26:22,167 --> 00:26:23,933 Actually, it's finally come to the point, 668 00:26:23,934 --> 00:26:24,999 I wanna have a kid, 669 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,666 and I don't think it's that hard. 670 00:26:27,667 --> 00:26:29,933 I don't. Part of me really believes that, 671 00:26:29,934 --> 00:26:31,233 and the other part is 672 00:26:31,234 --> 00:26:33,600 I just like pissing off people with kids, you know? 673 00:26:33,601 --> 00:26:34,933 Whenever you say shit like that... 674 00:26:34,934 --> 00:26:37,633 "Dude, you have no idea how difficult it is!" 675 00:26:37,634 --> 00:26:40,399 This is a great one to say. "Well, I mean, I got a dog, 676 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,266 I mean... You know? How much diff... " 677 00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:44,933 "Dude, you can't even fucking compare it to a dog!" 678 00:26:44,934 --> 00:26:45,967 "Yeah, I can. 679 00:26:45,968 --> 00:26:48,266 I just did, and I'll do it again. 680 00:26:48,267 --> 00:26:50,633 Mine's got four legs. Yours only has two. 681 00:26:50,634 --> 00:26:53,032 Go ahead. 682 00:26:53,033 --> 00:26:54,566 Yours bites someone, it gets a time out. 683 00:26:54,567 --> 00:26:58,434 Mine gets put down. Stakes are raised." 684 00:27:01,033 --> 00:27:02,299 No, I think I know. 685 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:03,867 I think I know how to raise a kid. 686 00:27:03,868 --> 00:27:05,867 You know what it is? You just play catch with 'em. 687 00:27:05,868 --> 00:27:08,233 I think that's the big deal. That's