Taylor Tomlinson: Have It All

[shaky, relieved sigh] 466 00:23:07,969 --> 00:23:10,764 "I don't say this enough, but I'm grateful for you." 467 00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,849 [audience laughing] 468 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,604 Hang out with your married friends, go to their barbeque. 469 00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:19,398 "I'd love to come. What can I bring?" 470 00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,775 "Ice? Dessert? Perspective?" 471 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:26,363 Want to know the best part about being single? 472 00:23:26,446 --> 00:23:28,240 The best part, hands down, 473 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:31,576 is that you do not have to introduce anybody to your parents. 474 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,787 Have you guys introduced people to your parents? 475 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:36,748 It's not about introducing people you love to one another. 476 00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:37,958 Is it? No! 477 00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:41,420 It's about showing your partner why you're mean to them sometimes. 478 00:23:41,503 --> 00:23:43,505 [audience laughing] 479 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:49,261 It's about taking your sexual partner back to the scene of the crime. 480 00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,473 To say, "See? The stories are true." 481 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:56,977 You don't want your partner to like your parents. 482 00:23:57,060 --> 00:24:00,772 You want them to walk out of that night going, "Oh my God." 483 00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:03,775 "Your parents are just..." 484 00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:06,069 "I know. I know." 485 00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,572 "Seriously, babe. How did you ever...?" 486 00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:11,491 "I don't know. I don't know." 487 00:24:11,575 --> 00:24:14,286 "Kinda seems like people should cut me some slack 488 00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:16,455 when I'm being a bitch, though, huh?" 489 00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:18,540 [audience laughing, whooping] 490 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:23,795 "Kinda seems like maybe now that we have all the information, 491 00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:27,257 turns out I could be a lot crazier if I wanted." 492 00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:31,803 "But I keep a lid on it pretty good, and..." 493 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:35,515 "I deserve to stop at Target on the way home." 494 00:24:37,517 --> 00:24:39,769 "With no time limit." 495 00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:42,856 "And I want a cart." 496 00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:45,066 "Not a basket." 497 00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:50,864 Be careful when you introduce people to your parents. 498 00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:53,700 Your parents don't always show up as your parents, do they? 499 00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:58,413 Mine never did. My parents undermined me every time I brought someone to meet them. 500 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,957 I did everything right. I did the huddle in the car before. 501 00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,294 "Hey, remember, those people in there, they're not your friends." 502 00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:07,964 "Whatever they say, do not take that personally. It's not you. It's them." 503 00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:10,175 "You want to write that on your hand?" 504 00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:12,969 "You can look at my tattoo if you get scared. Let's do it." 505 00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:14,763 Then you go inside, 506 00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,891 prepared for your parents to show their true colors, 507 00:25:17,974 --> 00:25:20,727 and your parents float downstairs. 508 00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:22,729 And they're just amazing all night. 509 00:25:22,812 --> 00:25:24,689 They're fun, cool, laid-back. 510 00:25:24,773 --> 00:25:26,650 Your dad's in an open Hawaiian shirt. 511 00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:29,361 Just a one-man conga line, topping off drinks. 512 00:25:29,444 --> 00:25:33,198 Saying all kinds of progressive shit you've never heard him say. 513 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,284 "You want another beer? We should golf sometime." 514 00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,203 "What are your pronouns again?" 515 00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:40,997 [mouthing] What the fuck? 516 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:45,460 And you gotta get back in the car later, muttering like a conspiracy theorist. 517 00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:49,923 "That was not... and I was there, and I know what happened, and it was right there." 518 00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:53,510 "No one can tell me what didn't happen, and I know about everything." 519 00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:55,220 [Tomlinson muttering] 520 00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:56,721 Your boyfriend buckles up, like, 521 00:25:56,805 --> 00:25:59,224 "I don't know, babe. Your parents are awesome." 522 00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,561 And you're like, "Ugh." 523 00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:05,355 "No, they are not." 524 00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:08,275 "I don't know who those lizard people were, 525 00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:12,028 but they are not the ones who broke me." 526 00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,322 The next time you see your parents, 527