Bill Burr: Paper Tiger

480 00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:28,532 Like it was nothing. Just fucking... pow! And just kept... 481 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,159 I couldn't fucking believe it. 482 00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:34,162 I know what you're thinking. "Oh, was this a friend of yours? 483 00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,665 Was she flirting with you? Was this a joke?" 484 00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,000 None of the above. You know what it was? 485 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,670 I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe. 486 00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:44,423 Like she was trying to get in my head. 487 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:48,427 "There you go, you little red dick. Poof! Follow that!" 488 00:23:48,510 --> 00:23:49,928 And she just kept walking. 489 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,640 Dude, my first thought as I saw her walking away, 490 00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:57,936 I just wanted to punch her in the back of the head as hard as humanly possible. 491 00:23:58,019 --> 00:24:01,106 Like, literally make her leave her shoes. You know? 492 00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:02,274 [laughter] 493 00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,859 But the other side of my brain's like, 494 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:06,319 "No, dude, you can't do that. You can't do that. It's a woman. 495 00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,613 And it's just spitball. Well, fucking boot her in the ass! 496 00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:11,450 Boot her in the ass! Can't hit her, dude. Can't hit her. It's a woman. 497 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,119 Well, fucking tell somebody! Tell somebody!" 498 00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:17,122 And all I'm thinking is, like, "Dude, I'm a guy." 499 00:24:17,205 --> 00:24:20,083 Can't fucking tell anybody. Nobody gives a shit what happens to a guy. 500 00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:23,295 I'm gonna walk up to another man and be like, "Excuse me, sir, 501 00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:26,798 but she just flicked me in my pee-pee, and I didn't like that one bit. 502 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:29,634 No, sir! I didn't like that at all. No, I didn't!" 503 00:24:31,052 --> 00:24:33,638 All the guys are gonna be like, "Dude, if she did that to me, 504 00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:35,474 I would've taken my balls out, too. 505 00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,767 Fucking flick both of these. 506 00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:41,313 Fucking sports bar, up top, Super Bowl, hey!" 507 00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:42,397 Right? 508 00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,191 That's all I would've got, right? 509 00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:47,027 So now I'm standing there, I'm waiting to go on stage, 510 00:24:47,110 --> 00:24:48,487 the dude's doing my intro, 511 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,780 I'm trying to think about jokes about bread, 512 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,701 and the tip of my dick is still stinging. This is the world I'm in. 513 00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:58,330 And right as he's gonna bring me on, all of a sudden, she came out, 514 00:24:58,413 --> 00:25:00,332 'cause she was going back out to her fucking car, 515 00:25:00,415 --> 00:25:03,752 and that's when my brain started firing up again with some ideas. 516 00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:06,379 Started thinking shit that I had never thought before in my life. 517 00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:10,592 Going like, "Dude, there she is. There she is. Flick her in the box. 518 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:11,635 [laughter] 519 00:25:11,718 --> 00:25:14,346 Do it, man. Equal rights. She did it to you, you do it back to her!" 520 00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:16,014 It started making sense. "Yeah, fuck that! 521 00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:18,767 Flick my dick, I'm gonna flick your clit! That's right! 522 00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:20,352 I'll fucking hit the man in the boat. 523 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,605 Drop down, uppercut to the bush. Fuck this shit! 524 00:25:24,147 --> 00:25:26,274 Think I'm the kind of person you just can flick my dick 525 00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:28,527 and walk away like it ain't shit?" Right? 526 00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:30,695 And it was making sense till right when she got there, 527 00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,740 finally, I just started thinking of all the sporting events I had watched, 528 00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:37,244 and I realized that the referee only sees the retaliation. 529 00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:39,246 He never sees the first aggression, 530 00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:41,289 and then you have to go to the... yellow card, 531 00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,291 whatever the fuck you people do over here, right? 532 00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,918 You go to the penalty box! 533 00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:48,672 So I let her go, and I went out on stage. I did my shit. 534 00:25:48,755 --> 00:25:52,342 But here was the thing. For the next three fucking days, I'm driving round LA, 535 00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,386 and I'm just losing my fucking mind. You know? 536 00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:58,390 I'm fucking screaming at the windshield, saying all this shit that I wanted to say 537 00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:00,850 but didn't say it in the moment. You know? 538 00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:04,604 It wasn't because... Thi