John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid

Like, I'll be on an elevator, 404 00:22:48,221 --> 00:22:51,433 and a baby will be there in its big, like, stroller activity tray, 405 00:22:51,516 --> 00:22:56,646 just, like, working on one Cheerio with Bobby Fischer-like intensity. 406 00:23:03,195 --> 00:23:04,904 And it'll look up at me and go... 407 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,241 I like to lean in and go, 408 00:23:08,325 --> 00:23:11,244 "Stop snitchin', motherfucker." And then walk off. 409 00:23:11,328 --> 00:23:14,997 'Cause you're never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. 410 00:23:16,999 --> 00:23:20,503 My friends have babies and I don't do so well with them. 411 00:23:20,587 --> 00:23:22,630 I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl. 412 00:23:23,881 --> 00:23:26,133 I know there are better ways to start that story, but... 413 00:23:27,677 --> 00:23:30,597 My friend, Jeremy, has this two-year-old girl, and I really like her. 414 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,015 She's a sweet kid. I really like his daughter a lot. 415 00:23:33,099 --> 00:23:35,810 But I was over at his family's house for the Fourth of July, 416 00:23:35,893 --> 00:23:37,186 and he had his daughter on his knee. 417 00:23:37,270 --> 00:23:39,606 And it was a very lovely day. His whole extended family was there. 418 00:23:39,689 --> 00:23:41,774 And he was bouncing his two-year-old up and down, 419 00:23:41,858 --> 00:23:44,110 and he pointed at me and he said to his two-year-old, 420 00:23:44,193 --> 00:23:46,571 "Do you know who that is? That's your Uncle John." 421 00:23:46,654 --> 00:23:50,032 And I was like, "Oh, my God. That's so sweet. I'm her Uncle John." 422 00:23:50,116 --> 00:23:52,034 And then the baby pointed at me and said, 423 00:23:52,118 --> 00:23:54,537 "Uncle John has a penis." 424 00:23:54,621 --> 00:23:56,289 [audience laughing] 425 00:23:56,373 --> 00:24:01,127 I thank you for laughing, because no one did that day! 426 00:24:03,296 --> 00:24:07,342 Fell deadly silent, is what they all did. 427 00:24:09,302 --> 00:24:10,928 Hey, do you know what you're supposed to say 428 00:24:11,012 --> 00:24:15,892 when a baby points at you and knowingly says, "He has a penis"? 429 00:24:15,975 --> 00:24:19,604 No, I'm asking, 'cause I don't know what to say in that situation. 430 00:24:19,687 --> 00:24:24,233 Here's what I went with that day. I said, "Oh, come on!" [laughs] 431 00:24:26,193 --> 00:24:28,195 I don't know. I thought that'd be good. 432 00:24:29,656 --> 00:24:30,907 But then it just made it worse, 433 00:24:30,990 --> 00:24:34,702 'cause it sounded like the baby and I had an arrangement not to talk about it, 434 00:24:34,786 --> 00:24:36,704 and she had violated my trust. 435 00:24:36,788 --> 00:24:38,790 Like, the baby had been like, "Do you have a penis?" 436 00:24:38,873 --> 00:24:41,584 And I was like, "Yes, I do, but you're a baby, so discretion is key." 437 00:24:41,668 --> 00:24:44,045 And then the next day she goes, "He has a penis," and I go, 438 00:24:44,128 --> 00:24:47,632 "Oh, come on! Someone can't keep a secret!" 439 00:24:48,716 --> 00:24:52,304 Luckily, Jeremy's wife saved the day. The baby's mom saved the day. 440 00:24:52,387 --> 00:24:54,389 She came in and she picked up the baby, and she was like, 441 00:24:54,472 --> 00:24:55,557 "It's okay. 442 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,352 She's just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot." 443 00:25:00,186 --> 00:25:01,479 Aren't we all? 444 00:25:01,563 --> 00:25:02,564 [audience laughing] 445 00:25:02,647 --> 00:25:03,898 And, by the way, it would've been 446 00:25:03,981 --> 00:25:06,859 a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina. 447 00:25:06,943 --> 00:25:08,945 Like, if a grown woman had walked in the room, 448 00:25:09,028 --> 00:25:11,155 and the baby had been like, "She has a vagina," 449 00:25:11,238 --> 00:25:14,075 the woman could be like, "Yes, I do, and it's magnificent." 450 00:25:14,158 --> 00:25:18,996 And we would all be like, "Hooray! You are brave!" 451 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:23,084 No one wants to applaud the penis of a 32-year-old weirdo. 452 00:25:27,505 --> 00:25:29,131 It's fun to be married. 453 00:25:29,215 --> 00:25:31,217 I've never been supervised before. 454 00:25:32,677 --> 00:25:35,179 I'm supervised. She studies what I do. 455 00:25:35,262 --> 00:25:37,223 Like an anthropologist. 456 00:25:37,306 --> 00:25:40,852 She'll be like, "Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV 457 00:25:40,935 --> 00:25:43,813 even though he already owns that movie on DVD. 458 00:25:46,441 --> 00:25:49,694 Pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him." 459 00:25:49,777 --> 00:25:51,237 [audience laughing] 460 00:25:53,531 --> 00:25:56,242 I had no supervision when I was a kid. 461 00:25:56,325 --> 00:25:57,577 We were free to do what we want