John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous at Radio City

00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:12,784 That's illegal. 405 00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:18,707 They tricked me. They tricked me like Brendan Dassey on <i>Making a Murderer.</i> 406 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:21,209 They tricked me like poor Brendan. 407 00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:24,880 They pulled me out of high school. I was in sweatpants, all confused. 408 00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,757 Two guys in clip-on ties are like, 409 00:24:27,841 --> 00:24:32,095 "Come on, son, do the right thing. Sign here and be an English major." 410 00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:34,306 And I was like, "Okay." 411 00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:39,728 Yes, you heard me, an English major. 412 00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:44,316 -I paid $120,000. -[audience cheering] 413 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:45,650 How dare you clap? 414 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:48,361 How dare you clap for the worst financial decision 415 00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:49,738 I ever made in my life? 416 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:55,702 I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen 417 00:24:55,952 --> 00:24:57,454 and then I didn't. 418 00:24:57,787 --> 00:24:59,414 [audience laughing] 419 00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:04,836 That's the worst use of 120 grand I can possibly fathom. 420 00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:08,798 Other than if you, like, bought a duffel bag of fake cocaine. 421 00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:11,259 No, I take it back. 422 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:12,969 That's a better use of the money, 423 00:25:13,637 --> 00:25:16,515 'cause I know you'd be disappointed when you open up the duffel bag 424 00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:18,350 and you realize it's not real cocaine, 425 00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:20,977 it's like powdered baby aspirin or whatever they do. 426 00:25:21,478 --> 00:25:23,688 But at least you have baby aspirin. 427 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,692 And maybe you have a baby and one day your baby goes, 428 00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,528 "Oh, my head," and you go, 429 00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:32,739 "Hey, I've got something for you! Come here, little guy." 430 00:25:32,822 --> 00:25:36,368 And you dump it out on a mirror. You make it nice for the baby. 431 00:25:36,451 --> 00:25:40,664 You make it nice. You cut it up into lines with your laundry card or whatever 432 00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:44,417 and you make it nice, and your baby takes his sippy-cup straw 433 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:47,295 and he holds it in his little ravioli-sized baby fist 434 00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:48,880 and he leans over-- [snorts] 435 00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:50,799 and he snorts up the baby aspirin, 436 00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:54,844 and he gets rid of his baby headache, plus you<i> </i>get a duffel bag! 437 00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:56,054 [audience laughing] 438 00:25:56,263 --> 00:26:01,893 That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, 439 00:26:01,977 --> 00:26:07,941 in a gown, to accept a certificate for reading books that I didn't read. 440 00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:09,609 [audience laughing] 441 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:13,405 Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, 442 00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:17,242 my family watching as I sweat vodka and ecstasy, 443 00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:23,665 to receive a four-year degree in a language that I already spoke. 444 00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:28,712 [audience cheering] 445 00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,550 I don't mean to sound down on donating. 446 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:34,759 [chuckles] 447 00:26:35,051 --> 00:26:37,137 It's good to give to charities, you know. 448 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:39,431 My wife and I just gave a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. 449 00:26:39,514 --> 00:26:42,225 We were moving apartments, we had a bunch of clothes and furniture, 450 00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:43,685 so we made a whole day out of it. 451 00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:47,230 We made these big piles of clothes, we put the piles into these big boxes, 452 00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:49,399 then we put the boxes into the back of my car, 453 00:26:49,482 --> 00:26:51,484 and then they stayed there for four months. 454 00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:55,905 And then one day my wife said, "Hey, you took that stuff to Goodwill, right?" 455 00:26:55,989 --> 00:26:58,700 And I said, "Of course I did! On an unrelated note, 456 00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:01,369 I'm going to walk out the front door right now." 457 00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:04,539 So then I had to speed to Goodwill really fast. 458 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,791 It was charitable, but it was also fast and violent, 459 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:08,710 because I was throwing boxes at people. 460 00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,838 The boxes were so heavy I couldn't even say what was in them. 461 00:27:11,921 --> 00:27:15,550 I was like, "This one's shirts. I got a bunch of shirts! Take 'em away!" 462 00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:18,762 The guy tried to give me a big receipt. 463