Anything Else

but she won't listen to me. 608 00:38:02,251 --> 00:38:06,050 I'm trying to finish my book. These comics are pressing me. 609 00:38:06,051 --> 00:38:09,617 - I've taken deposits from them. - Oh, forget I even asked. 610 00:38:09,618 --> 00:38:12,283 Okay. I never said I wouldn't do it. 611 00:38:12,284 --> 00:38:14,550 I just have to fit it in. 612 00:38:14,551 --> 00:38:17,117 It won't be arduous! I have lots of ideas! 613 00:38:17,118 --> 00:38:19,350 I'm even having a piano delivered! 614 00:38:19,351 --> 00:38:21,851 - Here? - It's a rental. 615 00:38:21,852 --> 00:38:25,384 - I had to rehearse! - There's no room for a piano. 616 00:38:25,385 --> 00:38:27,983 Because you don't maximize your space! 617 00:38:27,984 --> 00:38:31,512 I was an interior decorator. Tell him, Amanda. 618 00:38:33,451 --> 00:38:37,883 I know this is a real pain, but it's temporary. 619 00:38:37,884 --> 00:38:40,083 You mean like our lovemaking? 620 00:38:40,084 --> 00:38:42,782 Could you not be gross? 621 00:38:44,684 --> 00:38:48,616 As the days passed, Dobel and I got closer and closer. 622 00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:52,082 After he finished school, we'd meet in Central Park. 623 00:38:52,083 --> 00:38:54,948 He'd usually expound on something. 624 00:38:54,949 --> 00:38:57,649 You think quantum physics has the answer? 625 00:38:57,650 --> 00:39:01,849 I mean, what purpose does it serve for me 626 00:39:01,850 --> 00:39:05,182 that time and space are exactly the same thing? 627 00:39:05,183 --> 00:39:08,749 I ask a guy what time it is, he tells me six miles? 628 00:39:08,750 --> 00:39:10,249 What the hell is that? 629 00:39:10,250 --> 00:39:15,582 Falk, if a guy comes out onstage at Carnegie Hall and throws up, 630 00:39:15,583 --> 00:39:19,349 you can always find some people who will call it art. 631 00:39:19,350 --> 00:39:22,449 Years ago, a very wonderful comedy writer 632 00:39:22,450 --> 00:39:28,315 wrote a very funny book with a really deep and meaningful title. 633 00:39:28,316 --> 00:39:32,446 It was called "Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver." 634 00:39:33,050 --> 00:39:35,882 You would be amazed how many people 635 00:39:35,883 --> 00:39:39,783 do exactly that, and worse. 636 00:39:39,784 --> 00:39:42,616 - Do you masturbate, Falk? - What? 637 00:39:42,617 --> 00:39:47,149 I mean, given the circumstances of your sex life, I would think... 638 00:39:47,150 --> 00:39:50,115 This is not... stop squirming. 639 00:39:50,116 --> 00:39:54,115 I'm not. I don't know. Now and then, I guess. 640 00:39:54,116 --> 00:39:56,749 When is now and then? On Easter and Purim? 641 00:39:56,750 --> 00:39:58,582 I don't really enjoy it. 642 00:39:58,583 --> 00:40:00,815 Are you doing it right? Does your hand fall asleep? 643 00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:04,815 I happen to think it's a poor substitute for the real thing. 644 00:40:04,816 --> 00:40:07,549 Really? I prefer it to the real thing. 645 00:40:07,550 --> 00:40:09,649 Last night, I was home by myself 646 00:40:09,650 --> 00:40:16,616 and I conjured up a threesome with me, Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren. 647 00:40:16,617 --> 00:40:19,948 It was very erotic. 648 00:40:19,949 --> 00:40:22,382 In fact, if I'm not mistaken, it was the first time 649 00:40:22,383 --> 00:40:25,249 those two great actresses ever appeared in anything together. 650 00:40:25,250 --> 00:40:29,749 - It sounds nice, but... - The only reason I ask 651 00:40:29,750 --> 00:40:33,082 is because I think that as you go through life, 652 00:40:33,083 --> 00:40:36,182 you learn to depend only on yourself. 653 00:40:36,183 --> 00:40:40,049 You know? Do you own a firearm? 654 00:40:40,050 --> 00:40:41,749 A gun? 655 00:40:41,750 --> 00:40:44,182 A gun qualifies as a firearm, yes. 656 00:40:44,183 --> 00:40:46,782 - No. Why would I? - For self-defense. 657 00:40:46,783 --> 00:40:49,516 Against who? 658 00:40:49,517 --> 00:40:51,915 Against those who conspire to harm you. 659 00:40:51,916 --> 00:40:53,182 Harm me? 660 00:40:53,183 --> 00:40:59,015 Don't ask what you did to deserve it. I mean, God, read Auden. 661 00:40:59,016 --> 00:41:05,647 You know, come with me to New Jersey. 662 00:41:08,116 --> 00:41:12,948 Falk, I took the liberty a few weeks ago of ordering you a little present. 663 00:41:12,949 --> 00:41:14,215 What? 664 00:41:14,216 --> 00:41:18,781 They're having a sale here on surplus Russian army rifles. 665 00:41:18,782 --> 00:41:20,348 What? 666 00:41:20,349 --> 00:41:24,781 Suppose you're home one night in bed, masturbating, 667 00:41:24,782 --> 00:41:28,248 and some guys break in. You need protection. 668 00:41:28,249 --> 00:41:30,914 I'd dial 911. I don't need a rifle. 669 00:41:30,915 --> 00:41:33,981 Have you ever dialed 911? It's like trying to get a mortgage. 670 00:41:33,982 --> 00:41:36,510