Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh

And then it's around 11 o'clock and you're in the middle of a work meeting 571 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,816 and you're like, "How long is this fucking day gonna go for? 572 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,526 Let me sleep!" 573 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:42,694 [laughter] 574 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:48,075 My wife's grandmother turned-- she turned 101 years old, 575 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,494 which is nice, 101 years old. 576 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:52,913 -[cheers and applause] -That's good for the family, 577 00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:54,873 you know, good to have that in your genes. 578 00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:56,583 My daughter's got that great life. 579 00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,543 My family, we fucking die... 580 00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,547 I should be dead is all I'm saying. It makes no sense that I'm here right now. 581 00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,257 But 101 years old... 582 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:07,928 I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder... 583 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,639 Just, she kept going, "Ooh." 584 00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:14,101 And I was saying, "It's tradition. We can't break tradition, Grandma." 585 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,728 She was like, "I want to break tradition." 586 00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,357 I was like, "Well, you can't. So, just fucking deal with 94 more." 587 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,109 And bam. "Oh!" 588 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,402 [laughter] 589 00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:26,071 [keyboard plays] 590 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:51,471 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 591 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:59,187 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 592 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,733 ♪ Grandma died ♪ 593 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,986 ♪ Grandma died ♪ 594 00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:09,364 ♪ Grandma died today ♪ 595 00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:13,410 ♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪ 596 00:24:14,077 --> 00:24:16,788 ♪ Grandma died today ♪ 597 00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:21,918 ♪ I guess I'll go to a bingo game And steal ♪ 598 00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:25,046 ♪ Somebody else's grandma ♪ 599 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:28,633 ♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪ 600 00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,928 ♪ Can't tell the difference ♪ 601 00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:34,598 [laughs] 602 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,020 What's going on? You getting this camera all set? 603 00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,104 Don't get hurt. 604 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,482 That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery. 605 00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:44,983 It's blocking you good. 606 00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:47,777 You okay? You got your beer. That's a big fucking beer, man. 607 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:48,695 [laughter] 608 00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,780 Way to go. You get loose. 609 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,783 I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there. 610 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:54,701 [laughter] 611 00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:55,744 [cheers and applause] 612 00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:57,287 Here we go. 613 00:24:57,370 --> 00:24:58,538 [rock music plays] 614 00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:01,500 Yeah. 615 00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:05,253 Shoop! 616 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:06,421 [cheering] 617 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,217 [woman] I love you! 618 00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:14,471 ♪ I am a grown man ♪ 619 00:25:14,554 --> 00:25:15,639 [laughter] 620 00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,642 ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ 621 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,145 ♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪ 622 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,066 ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ 623 00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,569 ♪ I have no respect for my family ♪ 624 00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:33,532 ♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪ 625 00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,993 ♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪ 626 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,704 ♪ But the toilet is too far ♪ 627 00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,499 ♪ The toilet is too far away ♪ 628 00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:43,833 [cheers and applause] 629 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:46,836 ♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪ 630 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,047 ♪ The toilet is too far ♪ 631 00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:51,258 ♪ Once when I was drunk, I... ♪ 632 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,469 ♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪ 633 00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,595 [laughter] 634 00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:58,390 ♪ But I prefer the shower ♪ 635 00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:02,143 ♪ My wife's loofah is starting to stink ♪ 636 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:03,270 [laughter] 637 00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,064 ♪ When my kids go to school In the morning ♪ 638 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:09,818 ♪ They smell Like they're soaking in piss ♪ 639 00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:10,735 [laughter] 640 00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,779 ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ 641 00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:14,489 [man] ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ 642 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,866 ♪ I eat some asparagus ♪ 643 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,159 [laughter] 644 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:20,203 ♪ I am an animal ♪ 645 00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,249 ♪ I am a destroyer ♪ 646 00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:25,250 [cheering] 647 00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:27,836 ♪ They caught me pi