Playing It Cool

00:29:37,073 --> 00:29:40,499 - You are playing with fire. - No, I'm not. 485 00:29:41,211 --> 00:29:43,679 Thanks. There's nothing wrong with two adults hanging out as friends. 486 00:29:43,779 --> 00:29:48,117 Men and women can't be friends. We are squids and squirrels. 487 00:29:48,217 --> 00:29:52,355 - Are you saying we're not friends? - I'm saying we've slept together. 488 00:29:52,455 --> 00:29:55,424 So? Friends can fuck. Fuck buddies. 489 00:29:55,524 --> 00:29:58,394 Oh, really? Have you fucked Scott? 490 00:29:58,494 --> 00:30:00,029 Not physically. 491 00:30:00,129 --> 00:30:04,033 - What's with the German accent? - Don't change the subject. 492 00:30:04,133 --> 00:30:07,736 I think you're starting to like this girl, and you're just setting boundaries, 493 00:30:07,836 --> 00:30:10,305 - so you can push them. - No, I'm not. 494 00:30:10,405 --> 00:30:13,041 If anything, I'm going out with this girl to prove she's nothing special. 495 00:30:13,141 --> 00:30:15,076 And she's just as ordinary as every other girl... 496 00:30:15,176 --> 00:30:17,912 Oh, my God, I can't believe you're about to say that. 497 00:30:18,512 --> 00:30:20,581 Present company excluded. 498 00:30:20,781 --> 00:30:22,549 I went on a friend date recently. 499 00:30:22,849 --> 00:30:25,054 <i>This one's gonna be weird.</i> 500 00:30:26,687 --> 00:30:29,155 <i>So my friend tells me,</i> 501 00:30:29,255 --> 00:30:32,192 <i>"I'll come over, we'll watch a movie, hang out."</i> 502 00:30:32,292 --> 00:30:36,212 <i>Sounds normal, right? Now imagine you're me.</i> 503 00:30:36,312 --> 00:30:38,865 <i>- Oh, God.</i> - Hi. 504 00:30:38,965 --> 00:30:42,369 <i>And the next thing you know his tongue is halfway down your throat,</i> 505 00:30:42,469 --> 00:30:44,404 <i>and he doesn't stop there.</i> 506 00:30:44,504 --> 00:30:47,306 - My penis hurts. - What was that? 507 00:30:47,406 --> 00:30:49,909 - My penis hurts. - Excuse me? 508 00:30:50,009 --> 00:30:51,641 My penis hurts. 509 00:30:51,741 --> 00:30:54,746 Then you'd better go home and take care of it. 510 00:30:55,046 --> 00:30:56,862 I want you to take care of it. 511 00:30:57,483 --> 00:30:59,651 That's not gonna happen. 512 00:31:00,251 --> 00:31:02,566 I don't even have to take off my pants. 513 00:31:03,355 --> 00:31:05,523 <i>So my advice to you, if you really like this girl</i> 514 00:31:05,623 --> 00:31:10,728 <i>is take her somewhere in public, and don't blow it.</i> 515 00:31:14,632 --> 00:31:16,267 - Wow. - Wow, is right. 516 00:31:16,367 --> 00:31:18,469 - It looks loud. - It does. 517 00:31:18,569 --> 00:31:20,405 It looks like an audio gang bang. 518 00:31:21,005 --> 00:31:24,508 That's the name of my band. That's so weird. 519 00:31:27,444 --> 00:31:28,645 December 8th. 520 00:31:28,745 --> 00:31:31,614 An amethyst wood star hummingbird. 521 00:31:31,714 --> 00:31:34,050 Fastest heartbeat in the world. 522 00:31:34,150 --> 00:31:38,621 Shit, this guy's heart beats so fast, he's always on the verge of death. 523 00:31:38,721 --> 00:31:40,255 - What? - Shitty. 524 00:31:40,355 --> 00:31:41,757 That's super shitty. 525 00:31:41,957 --> 00:31:44,960 - You want to play doctor? - Yes. 526 00:31:45,060 --> 00:31:47,301 Heart beats... the ancient Chinese believed 527 00:31:47,401 --> 00:31:50,032 you were only given a limited number of heart beats when you were born. 528 00:31:50,132 --> 00:31:52,520 You can spend them any way you like, but your heart uses them up 529 00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:56,292 when it beats faster like when you get angry or excited. 530 00:31:57,439 --> 00:31:59,981 I wonder if it's the same for boners. 531 00:32:01,442 --> 00:32:04,111 No, I can't find it. 532 00:32:04,311 --> 00:32:06,648 <i>Goddamn it, where is her flaw?</i> 533 00:32:06,948 --> 00:32:10,885 Nothing. You don't have a heart. 534 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:14,756 Miracle of science. 535 00:32:14,956 --> 00:32:18,858 <i>The problem with our little friend date is that it didn't feel like a friend date.</i> 536 00:32:18,958 --> 00:32:21,228 <i>We're connecting. I'm showing her a great time.</i> 537 00:32:21,328 --> 00:32:23,431 <i>And at the end of the night, she's going home to him.</i> 538 00:32:23,531 --> 00:32:26,333 <i>I'm basically Stuffy's wingman.</i> 539 00:32:28,134 --> 00:32:30,670 All right... I gotta get up early tomorrow. 540 00:32:30,770 --> 00:32:34,675 Tomorrow's a farmer's market day which means the guy likes to get there early 541 00:32:34,775 --> 00:32:37,628 - for the ripe tomatoes. - Right, right, yeah. 542 00:32:37,728 --> 00:32:39,912 I gotta go, too. I got a late-night poker thing. 543 00:32:40,012 --> 00:32:42,648 Cool, all right, well, this was... this was fun. 544 00:32:42,748 --> 00:32:45,484 - Yeah. - Okay. All right, I'll see you soon. 545 00:32