Radio Days

500 00:27:36,822 --> 00:27:39,824 What do you mean, "Some imaginary super being"? 501 00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:41,158 You don't believe in God? 502 00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:43,327 Religion is the opium of the masses. 503 00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:45,037 Abe, God will punish you! 504 00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:48,583 No. God is not interested in me. 505 00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,001 He... 506 00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,211 - What's the matter? - Uh... 507 00:27:52,296 --> 00:27:53,671 Abe? 508 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,881 - Chest pains. - Abe, really? 509 00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:57,508 Abe, are you all right? 510 00:27:57,551 --> 00:27:59,135 - I can't breathe. - No, stop it. 511 00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:00,511 Just relax. Just relax. 512 00:28:00,554 --> 00:28:01,679 Breathe out slowly. 513 00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:05,474 Abe, I told you God would punish you. 514 00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:06,809 I'll get the doctor's number. 515 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:09,312 Maybe it's indigestion. What did you eat there? 516 00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:11,647 - Uh, some pork chops. - Pork chops? 517 00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,817 And some clams. And chocolate pudding. 518 00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:16,152 Abe, how could you do this? 519 00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:17,612 And French fries. 520 00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:20,239 You won't eat my French fries, 521 00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:22,241 but you eat the commies' French fries? 522 00:28:22,326 --> 00:28:23,784 I'm gonna get him some bicarbonate. 523 00:28:23,869 --> 00:28:25,995 That's too good for him. He deserves an enema! 524 00:28:26,038 --> 00:28:27,538 Oh, Ceil! 525 00:28:27,581 --> 00:28:29,040 Yeah, right! 526 00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:33,085 "Hello, sports fans, and welcome to" 527 00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:36,839 "today's edition of Bill Kern's Favorite Sports Legends." 528 00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:40,718 Now in my family, each person had his own favorite show. 529 00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:43,929 For instance, my Uncle Abe was a great sports fan, 530 00:28:44,014 --> 00:28:46,015 and he always listened to Bill Kern. 531 00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:49,935 "Today's story is about a baseball player." 532 00:28:50,437 --> 00:28:55,858 "His name was Kirby Kyle, a lean southpaw from Tennessee." 533 00:28:56,902 --> 00:28:59,153 "He played for the old St. Louis Cardinals." 534 00:28:59,529 --> 00:29:01,656 "He threw fast, and he had a good curve ball," 535 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:03,658 "and all the hitters knew it." 536 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,369 "He was a kid with a great future." 537 00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,622 "But one day he went hunting." 538 00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:13,584 "He loved to hunt, just like his father and his father's father." 539 00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:18,506 "Chasing a rabbit, he stumbled and his rifle went off." 540 00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:22,259 "The bullet entered his leg." 541 00:29:22,302 --> 00:29:25,179 "Two days later, it was amputated." 542 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:28,140 "They said he would never pitch again." 543 00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:30,726 "But the next season he was back." 544 00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:34,939 "He had one leg, but he had something more important." 545 00:29:35,691 --> 00:29:37,608 "He had heart." 546 00:29:38,694 --> 00:29:42,530 "The following winter, another accident cost Kirby Kyle an arm." 547 00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:45,574 "Fortunately, not his pitching arm." 548 00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:49,495 "He had one leg and one arm," 549 00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:52,915 "but more than that, he had heart." 550 00:29:54,084 --> 00:29:59,171 "The next winter, going after duck, his gun misfired." 551 00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:02,466 "He was blind." 552 00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:06,137 "But he had instinct as to where to throw the baseball." 553 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:08,806 "Instinct and heart." 554 00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:14,270 "The following year, Kirby Kyle was run over by a truck and killed." 555 00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:16,981 "The following season," 556 00:30:17,023 --> 00:30:22,653 "he won 18 games in the big league in the sky." 557 00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:28,075 This has been Bill Kern with another favorite sports legend. 558 00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:33,748 While Uncle Abe loved the Bill Kern sports show, 559 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:37,334 his wife Ceil adored a very prominent ventriloquist, 560 00:30:37,377 --> 00:30:39,962 and this always used to drive Abe crazy. 561 00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:43,174 He's a ventriloquist on the radio! 562 00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,009 How do you know he's not movin' his lips? 563 00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:46,552 Who cares? Leave me alone. 564 00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:03,486 Ceil and Abe's daughter Ruthie had her own favorite program. 565 00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:06,530 Naturally it was one of those romantic boy crooners. 566 00:31:07,491