Zombieland

310 00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:15,382 Totally zombie-free. Only place west of Waco. 311 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,886 Trust me. 312 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,641 He's on one of these serious Tour de France bikes... 313 00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,976 You know, with, like, the toeholds, right? 314 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:31,148 - and he's pedaling, and the zombie's head is, like, caught in the gear. 315 00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:35,069 You know, with the hair in the chain just, like, going around. 316 00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,071 Very cool. 317 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:42,159 But zombie kill of the week? No, sir. 318 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,246 I saw this construction worker. I shit you not... 319 00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,833 ...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie goes down in front of him. 320 00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:52,586 You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up from the bottom? 321 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:57,174 - I always roll it up from the bottom. - Well, the zombie's head is the cap. 322 00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:00,678 Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story? 323 00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:05,015 No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me. 324 00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,267 All right, let's just try to find a car. 325 00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,477 Which reminds me... 326 00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:11,647 ...I never had headaches like this till your ass came onboard. 327 00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:16,360 I mean, do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. 328 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:17,778 Hey, there's a nice minivan. 329 00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,531 Oh, you know something? That is nice. 330 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,032 That's a beautiful van. 331 00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:27,329 Tallahassee believes you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... 332 00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,124 ...or else you lose what's left of your mind. 333 00:28:30,291 --> 00:28:33,627 If it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me... 334 00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,338 ...then I say, "Hey, go ape shit." 335 00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:38,549 I want my Caddy back! 336 00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:42,511 Stupid little bitches! 337 00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:52,062 Oh, I think I pulled something. 338 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,483 Think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that? 339 00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:02,823 You hesitated. 340 00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:08,996 Is it better to be smart or lucky? 341 00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:12,458 Look at what we got here. 342 00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:35,898 Come on. 343 00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,988 - That's nice. - Smell the finger? 344 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:48,786 Yes. 345 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:56,210 Thank God for rednecks. 346 00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:58,879 This is a really big truck... 347 00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:03,801 ...and these are really big guns. 348 00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:05,636 Take your time. 349 00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,161 You know, they say, "He who seeks revenge... 350 00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,163 ...should remember to dig two graves." 351 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:37,543 Right. Two graves. One for the big chick, one for the little chick. 352 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,127 You are scary happy. 353 00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:45,509 Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home? 354 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,928 Oh, you want to talk about home? 355 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:53,433 For me, home was a puppy named Buck. 356 00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,936 Cutest dog ever. 357 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,654 All those fucking zombies. 358 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:07,781 I lost him. 359 00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:14,079 And there ain't no getting him back, so I'm looking for a new home. 360 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:19,167 Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping in the Yellowstone River... 361 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,880 ...or swinging from the chandeliers in the Playboy Mansion... 362 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:27,467 ...but today, a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8... 363 00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:31,388 ...a box full of hollow points, and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie. 364 00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:36,226 Gotta enjoy the little things. 365 00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,731 I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosemite Sam... 366 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,316 ...but I'm writing it down. 367 00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:44,985 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 368 00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,370 Knowing them, it's a trap. 369 00:31:55,538 --> 00:31:58,916 Wait here. Drive down if I signal. 370 00:31:59,125 --> 00:32:01,209 You're not gonna shoot them, are you? 371 00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:04,129 Not unless they shoot at me. 372 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:07,382 Oh, let's hope they shoot at me. 373 00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,143 Looks like they hoofed it. 374 00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,646 Probably headed west. 375 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,815 Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. 376 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,733 Sure. 377 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:13,615 - They're in the ba...