Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale

00:25:44,478 --> 00:25:46,847 BIG HOLIDAY TRADITION, FRUITCAKE. 678 00:25:46,914 --> 00:25:48,482 I LOVE OUR HOLIDAY TRADITIONS. 679 00:25:48,549 --> 00:25:51,552 LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE, WHERE WE GO OUT AND WE CHOP DOWN A TREE 680 00:25:51,618 --> 00:25:54,254 AND WE PUT IT IN OUR LIVING ROOM. 681 00:25:54,321 --> 00:25:57,524 KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE THE BEHAVIOR OF A DRUNK MAN REALLY. 682 00:25:57,591 --> 00:25:58,258 [LAUGHTER] 683 00:25:58,325 --> 00:25:59,293 SOME WOMAN WAKES UP. 684 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,996 HONEY, WHY IS THERE A... 685 00:26:03,063 --> 00:26:07,201 A PINE TREE... IN OUR LIVING ROOM? 686 00:26:07,267 --> 00:26:09,169 [AS DRUNKARD] I LIKE IT. 687 00:26:09,236 --> 00:26:10,804 [LAUGHTER] 688 00:26:10,871 --> 00:26:12,840 [AS DRUNKARD] WE'RE GONNA-- WE'RE GONNA 689 00:26:12,906 --> 00:26:16,710 DECORATE IT FOR JESUS. 690 00:26:16,777 --> 00:26:20,214 [LAUGHTER] 691 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:25,953 [APPLAUSE] 692 00:26:26,019 --> 00:26:30,257 [AS DRUNKARD] AND THEN I'M GONNA HANG MY SOCKS OVER THE FIREPLACE. 693 00:26:30,324 --> 00:26:32,593 FILL THEM WITH CANDY. 694 00:26:32,659 --> 00:26:35,162 MAYBE I'LL TIE SOME LEAVES TO THE CEILING, 695 00:26:35,229 --> 00:26:36,530 SEE IF I CAN GET SOME ACTION. 696 00:26:36,597 --> 00:26:37,731 [LAUGHTER] 697 00:26:37,798 --> 00:26:39,933 [AS DRUNKARD] AND NOW I GOTTA PUKE ON THAT COUCH. 698 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,102 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 699 00:26:42,169 --> 00:26:43,103 [LAUGHTER] 700 00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:46,707 SOME PEOPLE GET SO INTO CHRISTMAS, THEY DECORATE THEIR YARDS. 701 00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:48,442 IT SEEMS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS. 702 00:26:48,509 --> 00:26:49,810 ALL RIGHT, CHOP DOWN THAT TREE. 703 00:26:49,877 --> 00:26:50,744 BRING IT IN HERE. 704 00:26:50,811 --> 00:26:52,112 [LAUGHTER] 705 00:26:52,179 --> 00:26:53,981 TAKE ALL THESE LIGHTS, PUT THEM OUT THERE. 706 00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:54,715 [LAUGHTER] 707 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:57,484 OH, I JUST GOTTA-- I REALLY GOTTA GET A JOB. 708 00:26:57,551 --> 00:26:58,552 [LAUGHTER] 709 00:26:58,619 --> 00:27:00,354 [AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HE'S ANTI-CHRISTMAS. 710 00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:01,588 [LAUGHTER] 711 00:27:01,655 --> 00:27:03,690 EASTER, THAT'S A WEIRD TRADITION. 712 00:27:03,757 --> 00:27:06,059 EASTER, THE DAY JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD. 713 00:27:06,126 --> 00:27:06,793 WHAT SHOULD WE DO? 714 00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:08,595 HOW ABOUT EGGS? 715 00:27:08,662 --> 00:27:10,197 [LAUGHTER] 716 00:27:10,264 --> 00:27:12,900 WELL, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS? 717 00:27:12,966 --> 00:27:15,435 ALL RIGHT, WE'LL HIDE 'EM. 718 00:27:15,502 --> 00:27:17,938 [LAUGHTER] 719 00:27:18,005 --> 00:27:20,707 [APPLAUSE] 720 00:27:20,774 --> 00:27:23,043 I DON'T FOLLOW YOUR LOGIC. 721 00:27:23,110 --> 00:27:24,077 [LAUGHTER] 722 00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:26,346 DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A BUNNY. 723 00:27:26,413 --> 00:27:29,583 [AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 724 00:27:30,784 --> 00:27:32,352 [AS HIMSELF] THANKSGIVING. 725 00:27:32,419 --> 00:27:36,156 THANKSGIVING, IT'S LIKE WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO COME UP WITH A TRADITION. 726 00:27:36,223 --> 00:27:38,125 THE TRADITION IS WE OVEREAT. 727 00:27:38,192 --> 00:27:39,126 [LAUGHTER] 728 00:27:39,193 --> 00:27:42,396 HEY, HOW ABOUT AT THANKSGIVING WE JUST, UH, EAT A LOT? 729 00:27:42,963 --> 00:27:44,097 WE DO THAT EVERY DAY! 730 00:27:44,164 --> 00:27:45,465 [LAUGHTER] 731 00:27:45,532 --> 00:27:49,069 OH... WHAT IF WE EAT A LOT WITH PEOPLE THAT ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF US? 732 00:27:49,136 --> 00:27:49,837 [LAUGHTER] 733 00:27:49,903 --> 00:27:52,372 [AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] OH, HE'S ANTI-FAMILY. 734 00:27:52,439 --> 00:27:54,141 [LAUGHTER] 735 00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:56,777 MOSTLY WE USE HOLIDAYS SO WE CAN EAT MORE. 736 00:27:56,844 --> 00:28:01,048 I NORMALLY DON'T HAVE A BURGER, A BRAT, AND A STEAK, BUT... 737 00:28:01,114 --> 00:28:02,716 IT IS FOURTH OF JULY. 738 00:28:02,783 --> 00:28:04,017 [LAUGHTER] 739 00:28:04,084 --> 00:28:07,187 AND I NEED THE ENERGY IF I'M GOING TO START BLOWING CRAP UP. 740 00:28:07,254 --> 00:28:08,922 [LAUGHTER] 741 00:28:08,989 --> 00:28:11,425 THAT'S WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WOULD WANT. 742 00:28:11,491 --> 00:28:13,060 [LAUGHTER] 743 00:28:13,126 --> 00:28:15,863 MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY IS HALLOWEEN. 744 00:28:15,929 --> 00:28:18,565 AND NOT JUST BECAUSE WOMEN USE IT AS AN EXCUSE 745 00:28:18,632 --> 00:28:20,067 TO DRESS LIKE PROSTITUTES. 746 00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:21,268 [LAUGHTER] 747 00:28:21,335 --> 00:28:22,703 YOU LADIES TOTALLY DO. 748 00:28:22,769 --> 00:28:24,438 I'M A WITCH! IF SHE WAS A HOOKER. 749 00:28:24,505 --> 00:28:26,473 [LAUGHTER] 750 00:28:26,540 --> 00:28:27,808 I'M LITTLE MISS MUFFET! 751 00:28:27,875 --> 00:28:29,343 I'M SURE YOU ARE. 752 00:28:29,409 --> 00:28:30,511 [LAUGHTER] 753 00:28:30,577 --> 00:28:32,880 [AS AUDIENCE MEMBER] HEY, THAT ALMOST SOUNDED DIRTY, FELLA. 754 00:28:32,946 --> 00:28:34,047 [LAUGHTER] 755 00:28:34,114 --> 00:28:36,250 AS A KID, HALLOWEEN WAS AMAZING. 756 00:28:36,316 --> 00: