Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

as an opening line. 358 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:39,756 Not a cute one. Not like a heart or a kissy face, 359 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,259 or even an eggplant, which is gross but I get it. 360 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,761 He sent me one of these. 361 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:53,478 You know the one you never touch 'cause it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy? 362 00:21:57,149 --> 00:22:00,211 Half of you won't enjoy this joke 'cause you don't know what I'm talking about. 363 00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,154 That's how rarely this emoji is used. 364 00:22:03,780 --> 00:22:07,492 I responded. I was like, "I gotta make sure this guy doesn't hurt anybody." 365 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,787 So I wrote back and I said, "Does this work for you? 366 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,457 Do people respond 'cause they're confused? 367 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,876 Are you negging me? What's happening here?" He goes, 368 00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,420 "Well, the way a woman responds to the emoji 369 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:20,339 tells me a lot about her character." 370 00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:24,593 I said, "All right, Detective Douche Rocket, 371 00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:29,431 what does my response tell you about my character?" He goes, 372 00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:31,433 "Well, it tells me you're really transparent, 373 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:35,479 honesty is super important to you, and you have trouble trusting people." 374 00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,571 "That emoji works. 375 00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:48,450 We should get coffee, or married. I don't know. 376 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,078 Dr. Douche Rocket, I'm sorry." 377 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,040 I'm not good at dating 'cause I'm not fun. 378 00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:58,043 I'm not like a fun person. You can probably tell that by now. 379 00:22:58,126 --> 00:23:00,712 For example, this is my impression of a fun person. 380 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,549 This is what I think fun looks like. 381 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,719 Your creepy uncle trying to corner you at Christmas. 382 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,305 "You're so big now. Let's dance." 383 00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:16,645 I look like something outside a car sale, but it's just very depressed. It's like, 384 00:23:16,728 --> 00:23:20,690 "Yeah, we got Subarus in there. I don't know. I took a bunch of pills." 385 00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:26,154 I've never been fun. I've never been the life of the party. 386 00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,240 At best, I'm the faint pulse of a potluck. 387 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:30,534 Like, that's all I've been able to achieve. 388 00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,996 I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I did start using weed this last year. 389 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,624 - You can tell because... Thank you. - [audience member whoops] 390 00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:41,294 You can tell 'cause I say "using" like it's PowerPoint. Wow, I suck. 391 00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:45,757 I started taking edibles at night because I was having trouble sleeping. 392 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,843 Some of my friends got too excited. They're like, 393 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:49,719 "Now we can get high and go see <i>Spider-Man."</i> 394 00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:52,431 I was like, "Oh, no. I only do that at night-night." 395 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:59,104 They were like, "You ruined weed too. How did you... 396 00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:01,272 do that?" 397 00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,401 I had to start taking something at night 398 00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:06,204 because I was having nightmares as an adult, 399 00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,071 which is like when you get braces at 40. 400 00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:10,866 Everybody's like, "You're still doing that?" Like, "Yeah, I guess." 401 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,911 It's embarrassing. And nightmares as an adult are so much worse 402 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:16,788 than nightmares as a kid. So much worse. 403 00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:18,748 A lot of things are worse as an adult. 404 00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,041 I think we know that. 405 00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:23,086 Have you tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk lately? 406 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,130 Yeah, it is laughable. 407 00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:26,298 It's impossible. 408 00:24:26,756 --> 00:24:29,801 You can pep yourself up when you're a kid 'cause you still believe in stuff, 409 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:33,388 like Santa and magic and the government. You still think... 410 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,390 there are forces at work for you. 411 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,601 So you can shadow box in the bathroom mirror. 412 00:24:37,684 --> 00:24:40,244 "You're going to do it 'cause you're great and I believe in you." 413 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:43,064 As an adult, you're just leaning on that sink, like, 414 00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:45,06