Ben Is Back

- Man: Yo, what's up, babe? - Hello, how are you'? 503 00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:13,861 Stop. 504 00:28:14,293 --> 00:28:16,000 It never hurts to be friendly. 505 00:28:16,161 --> 00:28:17,231 Dial it down. 506 00:28:17,396 --> 00:28:19,069 Okay, I will just... Hi. 507 00:28:19,231 --> 00:28:20,676 - Woman: guys - Hello. 508 00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:23,369 Everybody seems so nice. 509 00:28:29,675 --> 00:28:32,986 The minute I think I have it, the minute I think I've got this, 510 00:28:33,912 --> 00:28:35,550 it's waiting, you know? 511 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,352 It's out there doing pushups right now 512 00:28:37,516 --> 00:28:39,359 while we sit in these folding chairs. 513 00:28:40,052 --> 00:28:42,726 So I'm really grateful to be here with all of you. 514 00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:46,768 And I thank you for keeping me clean. Thank you for letting me share. 515 00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:48,163 So... 516 00:28:49,261 --> 00:28:51,070 Thank you. 517 00:28:52,531 --> 00:28:53,839 Go on to a show of hands. 518 00:28:53,999 --> 00:28:55,945 I have a deep fear of using. 519 00:28:57,202 --> 00:29:00,046 I have a deep fear of going back into those dark places. 520 00:29:00,205 --> 00:29:01,377 This fellowship, 521 00:29:01,540 --> 00:29:04,544 this group of people, is what keeps me alive. 522 00:29:04,710 --> 00:29:07,691 Now I have two new baby nieces 523 00:29:07,846 --> 00:29:10,622 and they're going to meet me for the first time. 524 00:29:11,049 --> 00:29:15,054 I'm just so grateful that they'll never know me high. 525 00:29:15,354 --> 00:29:17,630 They'll just know me as me. 526 00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:22,098 Hi, I'm Ben, and I'm an addict. 527 00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:23,865 All: Hi Ben. 528 00:29:24,129 --> 00:29:26,268 I got <i>77</i> days. 529 00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:32,741 And that's my most ever. 530 00:29:33,972 --> 00:29:37,044 So I just want to get to 78 right now. 531 00:29:38,243 --> 00:29:40,587 So I called my sponsor, 532 00:29:40,746 --> 00:29:45,752 and the thing about my sponsor is that he's a loud talker. 533 00:29:46,385 --> 00:29:49,127 And so I say, "Hey." 534 00:29:49,288 --> 00:29:51,791 And he goes, (loudly) "What's up?" 535 00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:53,994 And I was like, "Well, I've got big news. 536 00:29:54,159 --> 00:29:56,969 I just bought presents that I actually picked out for someone." 537 00:29:57,396 --> 00:29:59,672 And he was like, "Oh, well, you're feeling pretty good, huh?" 538 00:29:59,831 --> 00:30:00,935 I was like, "Yeah, you know, 539 00:30:01,099 --> 00:30:02,976 I actually feel like I'm being honest." 540 00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:03,943 woman: Yeah. 541 00:30:04,102 --> 00:30:06,082 And, well, he said, "If you were honest, Ben, 542 00:30:06,238 --> 00:30:07,512 you'd look in the mirror 543 00:30:07,673 --> 00:30:09,448 and say, 'l'm a great big phony.“ 544 00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,151 So I was like, "Okay." 545 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,183 "Cause, Ben you're a fucking addict. 546 00:30:13,345 --> 00:30:15,484 You're the last person who should believe his own bullshit, 547 00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:16,990 so get to a meeting." 548 00:30:17,683 --> 00:30:18,923 So here I am, 549 00:30:19,284 --> 00:30:21,127 seventy- seven days clean. 550 00:30:22,187 --> 00:30:24,258 Some things are better now. 551 00:30:25,190 --> 00:30:27,295 Like I can actually take a shit. 552 00:30:27,492 --> 00:30:28,994 (laughter) 553 00:30:29,528 --> 00:30:30,529 Yeah. 554 00:30:31,196 --> 00:30:32,436 Even better than that, 555 00:30:32,597 --> 00:30:34,975 I'm waking up more often than not with an erection. 556 00:30:37,936 --> 00:30:40,143 Sorry, mom. Yeah, my mom's here. 557 00:30:40,305 --> 00:30:41,978 (loud laughter) 558 00:30:42,140 --> 00:30:43,346 Ben: Urn... 559 00:30:46,812 --> 00:30:48,450 I've put her through a lot. 560 00:30:50,716 --> 00:30:53,458 This summer she found me upside down on the stairs 561 00:30:53,618 --> 00:30:55,859 with a needle in my arm. 562 00:30:57,289 --> 00:30:58,393 And... 563 00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,297 with my dog trying to keep me awake. 564 00:31:02,894 --> 00:31:03,998 So... 565 00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:08,136 the doctor said that if it weren't for my dog I would be dead. 566 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,308 And my mom. 567 00:31:11,570 --> 00:31:14,642 Without her, I wouldn't be here right now in this room. 568 00:31:17,642 --> 00:31:22,557 (voice shaking) The things that I've done to myself and others... 569 00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:26,154 (Ben sniffles) 570 00:31:26,318 --> 00:31:28,264 So I don't, why am I still... 571 00:31:29,755 --> 00:31:30,825 here? 572 00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:34,704 There's gotta be a reason. 573 00:31:35,093 --> 00:31:39,405 Maybe it's to come back and make this Christmas right, 574 00:31:39,564 --> 00:31