Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening

476 00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:44,731 He's like, "Hey, man, you need to get off the boards." 477 00:18:44,765 --> 00:18:46,164 And I was like, "Why?" 478 00:18:46,197 --> 00:18:49,731 He's like, "The admins are getting on my case." 479 00:18:49,765 --> 00:18:51,897 And he posts this conversation he had with the admin, 480 00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:54,164 where the admin's like, "Hey, Harris, who's Aziz?" 481 00:18:54,197 --> 00:18:56,264 He's like, "My cousin. Why do you ask?" 482 00:18:56,298 --> 00:18:57,797 He goes, "He's posting on A.P. World wall. 483 00:18:57,830 --> 00:18:59,331 Do you know what period he has A.P. World?" 484 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:04,564 And Harris writes in all caps, "No! You got to boot him now!" 485 00:19:04,598 --> 00:19:06,997 With, like, 30 "O"s, 30 "W"s, 486 00:19:07,031 --> 00:19:09,431 and 50 exclamation points. 487 00:19:09,464 --> 00:19:11,498 And other people are starting to get suspicious 488 00:19:11,531 --> 00:19:13,197 of my presence on the board as well. 489 00:19:13,231 --> 00:19:15,298 Maybe because I'm supposed to be in the ninth grade 490 00:19:15,331 --> 00:19:18,765 and I have a full beard. 491 00:19:18,797 --> 00:19:20,930 But I'm trying to act like I belong, right? 492 00:19:20,964 --> 00:19:22,564 That I'm in the class and I know what's up. 493 00:19:22,598 --> 00:19:24,464 So there was, like, a controversy 494 00:19:24,498 --> 00:19:25,698 about this one quiz question, and I was like, 495 00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,097 "I know what I'll do. 496 00:19:27,131 --> 00:19:29,097 "I'll go independently do some research 497 00:19:29,131 --> 00:19:30,731 "and I'll post my findings on the board. 498 00:19:30,765 --> 00:19:33,097 They'll think I'm smart and that I belong in the class." 499 00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,598 So the next post I wrote was, 500 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,765 "Guys, I've been doing some research. 501 00:19:36,797 --> 00:19:39,698 "I think the views on salvation in Buddhism and Christianity 502 00:19:39,731 --> 00:19:41,197 "are far from similar. 503 00:19:41,231 --> 00:19:42,765 "In Buddhism, salvation is something one can only 504 00:19:42,797 --> 00:19:44,431 "achieve through the noble eightfold path, 505 00:19:44,464 --> 00:19:46,131 "whereas in Christianity, salvation is given 506 00:19:46,164 --> 00:19:47,930 "to all those whom accept Jesus Christ as their savior. 507 00:19:47,964 --> 00:19:49,731 "Quote, 'for whomsoever shall call upon the name of the Lord' 508 00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:51,765 "'shall be saved,' Romans 10:13. 509 00:19:51,797 --> 00:19:53,665 "I hate to say it, guys, but our teacher 510 00:19:53,698 --> 00:19:56,131 Mr. Edelstein is right." 511 00:19:56,164 --> 00:19:58,731 Bam! 512 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,264 And then I waited, like, two minutes 513 00:20:00,298 --> 00:20:01,765 and then I wrote this. 514 00:20:01,797 --> 00:20:04,797 "Guys, I just got an email from Mr. Edelstein! 515 00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:06,231 "He read what I wrote here and gave me 516 00:20:06,264 --> 00:20:08,264 "an extra point on the quiz. 517 00:20:08,298 --> 00:20:11,398 "He said I showed initiative and critical thinking skills. 518 00:20:11,431 --> 00:20:14,298 What a cool guy!" 519 00:20:14,331 --> 00:20:20,097 And then this kid replied, "What?" 520 00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:25,197 And then at this point, Harris got fucking furious. 521 00:20:25,231 --> 00:20:26,930 He's like, "I don't know if you should have wrote 522 00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:29,164 that wall post, Aziz," and I was like, "Why?" 523 00:20:29,197 --> 00:20:30,631 He goes, "What if people go in tomorrow and say, 524 00:20:30,665 --> 00:20:31,698 "'Hey Edelstein, I heard you gave Aziz 525 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,031 "'an extra point on the quiz. 526 00:20:33,064 --> 00:20:34,298 "'Can I get an extra point back too, 527 00:20:34,331 --> 00:20:35,765 "because I put the same thing he did?' 528 00:20:35,797 --> 00:20:36,765 "And he'll be like, 'I don't teach Aziz. 529 00:20:36,797 --> 00:20:38,431 That person doesn't exist.'" 530 00:20:38,464 --> 00:20:39,631 and I was like, "Fuck you, Harris. 531 00:20:39,665 --> 00:20:41,631 I do exist." 532 00:20:41,665 --> 00:20:43,964 And then he starts attacking me publicly on the boards. 533 00:20:43,997 --> 00:20:46,830 He writes in all caps, "Aziz, get out of this group!" 534 00:20:46,864 --> 00:20:48,498 With, like, a bunch of exclamation points 535 00:20:48,531 --> 00:20:49,997 and then emoticons that are like-- 536 00:20:51,864 --> 00:20:53,164 and I was like, "What's that supposed to be, Harris, 537 00:20:53,197 --> 00:20:57,231 you eating cinnabon all day?" 538 00:20:57,264 --> 00:20:59,331 And then I started mounting my offensive. 539 00:20:59,364 --> 00:21:00,564 I started poking him like crazy. 540 00:21