Funny People

00:52:12,206 --> 00:52:17,109 <i>Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away.</i> 1075 00:52:17,211 --> 00:52:22,376 <i>" I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags</i> 1076 00:52:22,483 --> 00:52:24,383 <i>"and then she got away."</i> 1077 00:52:26,353 --> 00:52:28,753 <i>I'm sick of rap songs</i> <i>telling me what to do.</i> 1078 00:52:30,124 --> 00:52:33,423 <i>" Bend over. Slap your ass, girl.</i> <i>Drop it like it's hot. " 1079 00:52:35,221 --> 00:52:36,347 <i>Yeah, I'm gonna</i> <i>write a song back.</i> 1080 00:52:36,455 --> 00:52:40,858 <i>I'm gonna be, like,</i> <i>"Boy, brush your teeth!</i> 1081 00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:46,330 <i>" Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!"</i> 1082 00:52:47,767 --> 00:52:49,132 <i>I masturbate so much</i> <i>with hand cream,</i> 1083 00:52:49,235 --> 00:52:52,830 <i>I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating.</i> 1084 00:52:52,939 --> 00:52:55,134 <i>Literally when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream,</i> 1085 00:52:55,241 --> 00:52:57,971 <i>I'm like, " This guy's</i> <i>about to jerk off!"</i> 1086 00:52:58,177 --> 00:52:59,201 Can I ask you something? 1087 00:52:59,312 --> 00:53:03,544 Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? 1088 00:53:03,649 --> 00:53:06,846 All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. 1089 00:53:06,953 --> 00:53:08,648 You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show, 1090 00:53:09,055 --> 00:53:11,922 "Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" 1091 00:53:12,024 --> 00:53:14,925 It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever? 1092 00:53:24,570 --> 00:53:29,473 <i> How will you</i> <i>people live without me?</i> 1093 00:53:31,043 --> 00:53:35,742 <i>Who will bring you joy</i> <i>when I'm gone?</i> 1094 00:53:37,717 --> 00:53:41,710 <i>'Cause I'm one funny man</i> 1095 00:53:42,021 --> 00:53:45,149 <i>I bring the comedy</i> 1096 00:53:45,258 --> 00:53:50,025 <i>I am the one you go to,</i> <i>to get cheered up</i> 1097 00:53:52,198 --> 00:53:55,895 <i>Put in my movies</i> 1098 00:53:56,002 --> 00:54:02,134 <i>Escape, if you will</i> <i>To a land of loveliness</i> 1099 00:54:05,144 --> 00:54:08,113 <i>He doesn't have patience</i> 1100 00:54:08,214 --> 00:54:14,642 <i>He hates so many people</i> <i>He's mad when others do well</i> 1101 00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:21,223 <i>He hates himself</i> <i>Fuck George Simmons</i> 1102 00:54:21,661 --> 00:54:24,858 <i>He has a medium-sized penis</i> 1103 00:54:24,964 --> 00:54:29,833 <i>He fucked so many girls</i> <i>And yet no one remembers</i> 1104 00:54:30,303 --> 00:54:33,397 <i>When he's done fucking them</i> 1105 00:54:33,639 --> 00:54:37,040 <i>The girl just</i> <i>lays there and says</i> 1106 00:54:37,143 --> 00:54:42,046 <i>I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you</i> 1107 00:54:42,982 --> 00:54:48,045 <i>Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!</i> 1108 00:54:49,722 --> 00:54:54,182 <i>George Simmons</i> <i>soon will be gone</i> 1109 00:54:57,296 --> 00:55:00,561 <i>And he will not</i> <i>miss you people at all.</i> 1110 00:55:02,034 --> 00:55:05,492 <i>Our relationship has</i> <i>always been strained.</i> 1111 00:55:05,604 --> 00:55:10,473 <i>You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you.</i> 1112 00:55:11,377 --> 00:55:15,871 <i>Leave me alone.</i> <i>Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers.</i> 1113 00:55:17,450 --> 00:55:18,576 <i>Peace!</i> 1114 00:55:32,531 --> 00:55:33,998 <i>Oh, my God,</i> <i>it's George Simmons!</i> 1115 00:55:34,900 --> 00:55:37,425 What are you doing here? What's happening? 1116 00:55:37,536 --> 00:55:41,304 I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game. 1117 00:55:41,407 --> 00:55:42,999 I can't get this thing ever to work. 1118 00:55:43,109 --> 00:55:47,273 I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off. 1119 00:55:47,380 --> 00:55:49,848 I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second 1120 00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,816 and the <i>alc</i> don't work for shit. 1121 00:55:52,918 --> 00:55:55,944 It's always going up to the roof. 1122 00:55:56,055 --> 00:55:57,249 What time is it? 1123 00:55:57,356 --> 00:55:58,846 It says 3:00. 1124 00:55:59,692 --> 00:56:04,288 It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I gotta... 1125 00:56:06,599 --> 00:56:09,090 All right, let's start my goddamn day. 1126 00:56:10,069 --> 00:56:11,502 I don't got time for this shit. 1127 00:56:11,604 --> 00:56:14,198 Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on. 1128 00:56:16,742 --> 00:56:18,937 They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension. 1129 00:56:19,044 --> 00:56:22,912 I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension! 1130 00:56:23,015 --> 00:56:24,039 Do yo