Here Today

Jesus, old man. I'm sorry. 807 00:38:23,652 --> 00:38:25,362 [SIGHS] 808 00:38:25,528 --> 00:38:26,404 Who's Carrie? 809 00:38:28,573 --> 00:38:31,619 I saw that on the title page at your house. 810 00:38:33,621 --> 00:38:34,830 Carrie was my wife. 811 00:38:36,457 --> 00:38:37,375 She died. 812 00:38:39,251 --> 00:38:40,503 A long time ago. 813 00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:46,884 And I'm writing something for her. 814 00:38:47,051 --> 00:38:49,136 And I have to finish before my words run out. 815 00:38:49,303 --> 00:38:51,639 When did you start working on it? 816 00:38:51,806 --> 00:38:54,267 About an hour after I was diagnosed. 817 00:38:54,434 --> 00:38:56,061 And how's it going so far? 818 00:38:56,228 --> 00:38:58,355 It's going really well. 819 00:38:58,522 --> 00:39:01,358 My mama would call that a crock of lukewarm horseshit. 820 00:39:01,525 --> 00:39:03,777 Don't lie to me, old man. 821 00:39:03,944 --> 00:39:07,197 I know you haven't started writing one single word. 822 00:39:07,364 --> 00:39:09,074 - Let me see your phone. - My phone? 823 00:39:09,241 --> 00:39:10,409 - Your phone. - Okay. 824 00:39:11,993 --> 00:39:13,870 Okay. 825 00:39:14,037 --> 00:39:17,457 This is my name, this is my number, okay? 826 00:39:17,624 --> 00:39:19,377 Now, even if you don't wanna contact me, 827 00:39:19,544 --> 00:39:20,920 I just want you to know 828 00:39:21,087 --> 00:39:24,465 that I'm not some allergic-to-shellfish nut 829 00:39:24,632 --> 00:39:26,259 that's half your age plus four, 830 00:39:26,426 --> 00:39:28,928 that wants to help you because you helped me. 831 00:39:29,095 --> 00:39:31,305 You don't stop for commas, do you? 832 00:39:31,472 --> 00:39:32,640 Life's too short for commas. 833 00:39:39,814 --> 00:39:43,193 Darrell, um, this is better. 834 00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,863 Try this as a tag. 835 00:39:46,029 --> 00:39:48,323 Let's do it in the dress rehearsal. What do you think? 836 00:39:48,490 --> 00:39:49,700 [CHUCKLES] 837 00:39:49,867 --> 00:39:52,035 Yeah. Yeah, that's great. 838 00:39:52,202 --> 00:39:53,829 - Are we good? - Yeah. Thanks. 839 00:39:53,996 --> 00:39:56,248 - Good. Alrighty. - All right. 840 00:39:56,331 --> 00:39:58,459 [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Want to come to my house and play? 841 00:39:58,542 --> 00:40:00,377 [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] No, your house smells. 842 00:40:00,544 --> 00:40:01,962 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 843 00:40:02,045 --> 00:40:03,881 {\an8}[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Come to my house and play. 844 00:40:04,006 --> 00:40:05,549 {\an8}[SARAH] No, your house smells too. 845 00:40:05,716 --> 00:40:07,051 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 846 00:40:07,218 --> 00:40:08,720 My house doesn't smell. 847 00:40:08,887 --> 00:40:10,263 We can play there. 848 00:40:10,430 --> 00:40:12,307 Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son. 849 00:40:12,474 --> 00:40:14,768 His father invented the flushing toilet. 850 00:40:14,934 --> 00:40:17,312 That's a lot of crap. 851 00:40:17,479 --> 00:40:19,731 - Not anymore. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 852 00:40:19,898 --> 00:40:22,442 [ALL] Let's go to his house! 853 00:40:22,609 --> 00:40:24,861 [IMITATING JEFF GOLDBLUM] Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper, 854 00:40:25,028 --> 00:40:27,697 the, uh, father of the modern toilet. 855 00:40:27,864 --> 00:40:29,449 I'm Jeff Goldblum. 856 00:40:29,616 --> 00:40:32,328 - Uh... Oh, heh-heh-heh. - [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 857 00:40:32,495 --> 00:40:33,496 [PURRS] 858 00:40:33,662 --> 00:40:35,164 This has been 859 00:40:35,331 --> 00:40:39,502 a little-known moment in indoor plumbing history. 860 00:40:39,668 --> 00:40:41,337 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 861 00:40:41,504 --> 00:40:44,673 Change your toilet. Change the world. 862 00:40:45,758 --> 00:40:47,468 Commercial break! Two minutes. 863 00:40:49,512 --> 00:40:50,930 Wow. 864 00:40:51,096 --> 00:40:52,681 - Not bad. - Great fix, Darrell. 865 00:40:52,848 --> 00:40:54,768 Yeah, the Goldblum thing was funny. 866 00:40:54,935 --> 00:40:57,479 - Thanks. - I think we'll slot it 867 00:40:57,646 --> 00:41:00,065 after the third commercial break. Got one on the air. 868 00:41:00,232 --> 00:41:01,483 [GARY] All right, so... 869 00:41:01,650 --> 00:41:02,901 [GARY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 870 00:41:03,068 --> 00:41:05,070 [BRAD] Yeah. Yeah. 871 00:41:16,206 --> 00:41:17,374 [SIGHS] 872 00:41:25,341 --> 00:41:26,467 [CELL PHONE CHIMES] 873 00:41:29,762 --> 00:41:31,013 [EMMA] <i>How did you meet Carrie?</i> 874 00:41:37,854 --> 00:41:38,896 [CELL PHONE CHIMES] 875 00:41:41,023 --> 00:41:44,027 <i>Come on, old man. How did you two meet?</i> 876 00:41:52,286 --> 00:41:53,829 [CARRIE] Damn it, I hate this stuff. 877 00:41:55,831 --> 00:41:58,500 [CHARLIE] Hey, you know what really does the trick? 878 00:41:58,667 --> 00:41:59,751 What? 879 00:41:59,918 --> 00:42:01,753 [CHARLIE] Bu