Hubie Halloween

713 00:34:52,625 --> 00:34:54,083 [howling] 714 00:34:55,416 --> 00:34:56,625 Safe Halloween, Mr.-- 715 00:34:57,500 --> 00:34:58,333 Walter! 716 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,000 [siren blares] 717 00:35:01,083 --> 00:35:02,875 Look, I know it was just a pig. 718 00:35:02,958 --> 00:35:06,041 Peanut was not just a pig, officer. He was my best friend. 719 00:35:06,125 --> 00:35:08,500 -I thought I was your best friend. -[scoffs] 720 00:35:08,583 --> 00:35:12,583 Here's what I'm thinkin'. Name Richie Hartman ring a bell? 721 00:35:13,250 --> 00:35:14,125 Richie Hartman? 722 00:35:14,791 --> 00:35:16,333 Everybody knows who he is. 723 00:35:16,416 --> 00:35:19,041 I don't. Who is he? One of your boyfriend? 724 00:35:19,125 --> 00:35:20,333 [Louise] Oh, you jealous now? 725 00:35:20,416 --> 00:35:23,083 Why don't you go cuddle up with your best friend, Peanut, huh? 726 00:35:23,166 --> 00:35:24,541 [Dan crying] You see this, officer? 727 00:35:24,625 --> 00:35:26,666 -I wanna press charges. -Oh, you gotta be kidding me. 728 00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,000 [Louise] And I wanna press your face against that radiator! 729 00:35:29,083 --> 00:35:30,666 -[Hubie] Officer Steve! -I'm sorry, buddy. 730 00:35:30,750 --> 00:35:32,875 The package got by me. He moves quickly to the left. 731 00:35:32,958 --> 00:35:35,833 Okay, well, how did the package even know that I was in here? 732 00:35:35,916 --> 00:35:38,500 Well, that's a glass window. The package could see ya. 733 00:35:38,583 --> 00:35:41,291 Yeah, but could've told the package that I'm a mannequin or somethin'. 734 00:35:41,375 --> 00:35:43,500 -You're right. -What is this package they talkin' about? 735 00:35:43,583 --> 00:35:45,458 -My bad. -Guess they're talkin' about this fella. 736 00:35:45,541 --> 00:35:46,583 Pubie? 737 00:35:46,666 --> 00:35:49,416 I don't know his name. The goofy idiot from the supermarket deli. 738 00:35:50,166 --> 00:35:52,916 Dan, Louise, let's table this discussion for a moment, okay? 739 00:35:53,916 --> 00:35:56,291 -To be continued, I guess. -[Louise] Oh, you guess? 740 00:35:56,375 --> 00:35:59,625 I wish it was you that was knifed up instead of peanut. 741 00:35:59,708 --> 00:36:01,333 You hear this? Can I borrow your gun? 742 00:36:01,416 --> 00:36:03,833 I assure you can arrest me right afterwards. 743 00:36:04,291 --> 00:36:06,583 [Louise] Cut your gizzards off. That's what I should do. 744 00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:09,708 Officer Steve, I saw my ne-- 745 00:36:09,791 --> 00:36:11,833 Never mind that. Cop a squat. 746 00:36:12,458 --> 00:36:13,291 -Here? -Yeah. 747 00:36:15,125 --> 00:36:18,333 Hubie, how long have you lived in Salem? 748 00:36:19,083 --> 00:36:20,333 Eh, my whole life. 749 00:36:20,416 --> 00:36:23,250 Now, you've brought us many instances of unlawful conduct 750 00:36:23,333 --> 00:36:24,666 to our attention over the years. 751 00:36:25,166 --> 00:36:26,958 Somebody put a firecracker in my mail slot. 752 00:36:27,041 --> 00:36:28,750 There's a diaper in Dori's pond. 753 00:36:28,833 --> 00:36:30,916 There's a weird station wagon at the senior center. 754 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,875 The supermarket is selling expired bacon. 755 00:36:32,958 --> 00:36:35,166 Janet at the library has not been herself lately. 756 00:36:35,250 --> 00:36:36,916 I heard a voice in the sewer. 757 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,041 I'm sorry. I didn't recognize him. 758 00:36:39,125 --> 00:36:42,750 The power of observation, the ability to blend in. 759 00:36:42,833 --> 00:36:45,375 That is you in a nutshell, Hubie. 760 00:36:47,333 --> 00:36:49,375 Well, Steven, let's talk turkey. 761 00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:51,291 May I? 762 00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,375 Mmm… I only have 30 left. 763 00:36:54,791 --> 00:36:55,958 Okay. 764 00:36:57,416 --> 00:37:00,666 You ever hear of an AUU? 765 00:37:01,333 --> 00:37:04,666 I don't have an Internet, so I'm not up on my latest abbreviations. 766 00:37:04,750 --> 00:37:05,583 Illuminate me. 767 00:37:05,666 --> 00:37:11,000 AUU stands for "Auxiliary Undercover Unit." 768 00:37:11,083 --> 00:37:15,916 [squealing, muttering] 769 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,250 [puffs, inhales] 770 00:37:18,333 --> 00:37:21,250 -Now, before you get too excited, -[exhaling] 771 00:37:21,333 --> 00:37:23,666 let me tell you what it entails, okay? 772 00:37:24,125 --> 00:37:25,708 First off, there's no salary. 773 00:37:25,791 --> 00:37:27,333 -[exhales] -There's no badge. 774 00:37:27,416 --> 00:37:29,666 -[exhales] -We can't acknowledge you officially 775 00:37:29,750 --> 00:37:31,833 -in any way whatsoever. And-- -[exhaling] 776 00:37:31,916 --> 00:37:33,583 And the most important thing is 777 00:37:33,666 --> 00:37:37,416 you can never be seen talking to me or any other officer in this place. 778 00:37:37,500 --> 00:37:39,666 [exhaling] 779 00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:42,583 A question. How would I go about getting the information to you? 780 00:37:42,666 --> 00:37:46,041 Oh, you just keep a log. A v