Being John Malkovich

God, I was. I was, wasn't I? 414 00:38:57,565 --> 00:39:00,698 I was John Malkovich. 415 00:39:01,498 --> 00:39:05,932 I was John fucking Malkovich! 416 00:39:08,599 --> 00:39:12,799 - Take me back, Craig. - We're late for Lester. 417 00:39:16,233 --> 00:39:20,567 So tell me, Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying? 418 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:22,600 Oh, yes, Dr. Lester. Absolutely. 419 00:39:22,834 --> 00:39:26,134 You were just explaining the nutritional value... 420 00:39:26,401 --> 00:39:31,135 ...of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form which I couldn't agree more with. 421 00:39:31,401 --> 00:39:34,435 Be still, my heart. 422 00:39:37,335 --> 00:39:40,836 Dr. Lester, would you point me in the direction of the restroom? 423 00:39:41,069 --> 00:39:46,736 With the greatest pleasure, my dear. You go up the grand "escalier"... 424 00:39:46,803 --> 00:39:51,403 ...and once atop the stairs you'll want to enter the fifth door on my left. 425 00:39:51,670 --> 00:39:56,837 - Watch the step down. It's sunken. - Okay. Thank you. 426 00:41:09,711 --> 00:41:14,812 What do you think Lester's relationship with John Malkovich is? 427 00:41:16,112 --> 00:41:17,912 That portal's been boarded up forever. 428 00:41:18,179 --> 00:41:22,912 I bet Lester's not even aware of it, him, the portal. Why? 429 00:41:23,179 --> 00:41:24,713 No reason. I was just thinking. 430 00:41:24,946 --> 00:41:28,646 Do you think that it's kind of weird that John Malkovich has a portal? 431 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:32,013 Do you think it might have some sort of significance, for example? 432 00:41:32,247 --> 00:41:34,980 I don't know. Why do you think that? 433 00:41:35,214 --> 00:41:36,647 I don't even care. 434 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:40,347 I think it's kind of sexy that John Malkovich has a portal. 435 00:41:40,614 --> 00:41:42,881 Sort of like he's a vagina. 436 00:41:43,148 --> 00:41:45,115 It's sort of vaginal, like he has a... 437 00:41:45,348 --> 00:41:48,582 ...he has a penis and a vagina. 438 00:41:48,815 --> 00:41:50,682 It's sort of like... 439 00:41:50,949 --> 00:41:54,449 ...Malkovich's feminine side. 440 00:41:55,349 --> 00:41:58,116 I like that. 441 00:42:00,383 --> 00:42:02,416 "Visit J.M. Inc., Mertin-Flemmer Building... 442 00:42:02,650 --> 00:42:05,450 ...nightly from 9:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m." 443 00:42:05,717 --> 00:42:08,550 Sounds good. Oblique, but intriguing. Phone it in. 444 00:42:08,784 --> 00:42:12,251 - Want me to phone it in? - No. 445 00:42:13,617 --> 00:42:16,284 - Lotte! - Hi. 446 00:42:16,551 --> 00:42:20,485 - I heard your voice. - What are you doing here? 447 00:42:20,718 --> 00:42:23,885 Is this your partner? She's pretty. 448 00:42:24,152 --> 00:42:27,586 I had to do the Malkovich ride again, you know? Is this her? 449 00:42:27,852 --> 00:42:29,619 - Hi. You're Craig's wife? - Yeah. Hi. 450 00:42:29,852 --> 00:42:32,453 Lotte, Maxine. Maxine, Lotte. 451 00:42:32,686 --> 00:42:37,520 - Have you done Malkovich yet? - Hi. Yeah, I want to place an ad. 452 00:42:37,787 --> 00:42:39,620 Okay. "Ever want to be someone else?" 453 00:42:39,853 --> 00:42:43,020 No, that's the ad, but we can talk about you in a minute. 454 00:42:43,287 --> 00:42:45,254 "Ever want to be someone else?" 455 00:42:45,487 --> 00:42:48,321 "Now you can. Visit J.M. Inc." 456 00:42:48,588 --> 00:42:50,054 "Inc. Mertin." 457 00:42:50,288 --> 00:42:51,655 "M-E-R-T-I-N. Flemmer." 458 00:42:51,921 --> 00:42:55,422 You should really be at work. 459 00:42:57,122 --> 00:43:02,289 I've been going over and over my experience last night, Craig. 460 00:43:02,922 --> 00:43:05,756 It was amazing. 461 00:43:06,523 --> 00:43:09,356 I've decided... 462 00:43:09,490 --> 00:43:10,890 ...that I'm a transsexual. 463 00:43:11,157 --> 00:43:14,257 - I know it's the craziest thing, Craig! - Are you fuckin' nuts? 464 00:43:14,524 --> 00:43:19,957 No. It's just that for the first time, everything just felt right. 465 00:43:19,957 --> 00:43:22,191 I've got to make sure. 466 00:43:22,458 --> 00:43:26,191 But if the feeling is still there... 467 00:43:26,858 --> 00:43:30,758 ...I'm going to talk to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery. 468 00:43:30,992 --> 00:43:33,659 This is absurd! Besides, Feldman is an allergist. 469 00:43:33,925 --> 00:43:36,492 If you're going to do something, do it right. 470 00:43:36,759 --> 00:43:39,493 You get these half-assed ideas and do a half-assed job. 471 00:43:39,759 --> 00:43:40,626 Just drop it. 472 00:43:40,893 --> 00:43:44,160 It's just that I really like Dr. Feldman. All right? 473 00:43:44,427 --> 00:43:46,993 So I thought that I would ask him his opinion. 474 00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:49,394 Is there something so terrible about that? 475 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:53,194 - Why do you always yell at me like this