Memories of a Murderer: The Nilsen Tapes

why would they not see something there… 468 00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:03,283 before this? It's gone on all this time. 469 00:29:03,366 --> 00:29:07,203 I believe if he'd been at home, I would have seen something was wrong. 470 00:29:08,121 --> 00:29:10,957 Because normally, you couldn't live with a person 471 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,294 unless you could see that there was something bothering him. 472 00:29:15,044 --> 00:29:19,466 Because it's not the Dennis I knew that's doing this, somehow or other. 473 00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:24,679 [Nilsen] Oh dear! Deary, deary me! 474 00:29:27,807 --> 00:29:29,142 [Scott] He was really a quiet boy. 475 00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:32,562 Nothing extraordinary about him, really, when he was young. 476 00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:34,564 Just a normal, quiet boy. 477 00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:39,527 [Nilsen] I was an inwardly troubled boy, 478 00:29:40,111 --> 00:29:41,780 and nobody seemed to notice. 479 00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,742 [gulls squawking] 480 00:29:49,704 --> 00:29:52,499 [Nilsen] I remember… I remember 481 00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:57,378 as if there was a Moviola running in my mind. 482 00:30:02,425 --> 00:30:04,511 I see a small, frail boy. 483 00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:10,141 He is new against a background of powerful forces acting on him. 484 00:30:14,604 --> 00:30:15,480 [clock ticking] 485 00:30:15,563 --> 00:30:18,775 [Nilsen] I had the feeling of being somehow different. 486 00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,405 Perhaps being poor, thin, and shabbily dressed 487 00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:29,327 was that first definable assault on my awakening self-esteem. 488 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,874 Not having a father to boast about might well have been another. 489 00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,669 [menacing music playing] 490 00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,650 [Scott] His father, he never was really a person 491 00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:03,444 that was close to the family and that. 492 00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:05,488 I had to bring them up myself. 493 00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:09,742 [Nilsen] Then there was this great gulf between me and my mother. 494 00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:15,790 [Scott] I was a caring person, and I just did my best. 495 00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:18,751 He was brought up just the same way as the others. 496 00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:20,962 [Nilsen] Well… [sighs] 497 00:31:22,046 --> 00:31:23,882 Damned lies. 498 00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:29,929 When I was about eight or nine, 499 00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:33,683 I was first afflicted by that thing called love. 500 00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,687 It was for another boy with whom I'd never even spoken. 501 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:42,775 Visions of him, as seen in school, filled my whole consciousness. 502 00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:49,991 It was a strange, vibrant, and compelling situation, 503 00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:54,913 but the stern moral principles of society and the church 504 00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:56,414 were of such a magnitude 505 00:31:56,497 --> 00:32:01,127 that my inner joys and longings had to be kept secret from the world. 506 00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,129 [dance music playing in video] 507 00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:04,923 [reporter] Men who choose to love other men 508 00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:07,550 are treated not only with intolerance and contempt 509 00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:09,344 but prosecuted and jailed. 510 00:32:09,427 --> 00:32:12,847 For many of us, this is revolting, men dancing with men. 511 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,476 Most homosexuals must lead a secret, dark existence. 512 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:26,903 [Nilsen] It is a great hurt 513 00:32:26,986 --> 00:32:30,573 to begin to appreciate that one's genetic personality 514 00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:33,701 was considered to be monstrous and detestable. 515 00:32:34,702 --> 00:32:37,997 There I was, not into my second decade, 516 00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:42,418 and regarded as a criminal, an outsider, an abomination, 517 00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:46,130 had been convicted and punished to serve a sentence 518 00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:50,009 for the crime of what nature had made. 519 00:32:50,885 --> 00:32:53,429 I was forced not to be anything true 520 00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:54,973 outside of my head. 521 00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:04,524 [McCusker] The interrogators were happy enough 522 00:33:04,607 --> 00:33:08,194 to let Nilsen tell his story without pressing him too much 523 00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:10,446 because he was free flowing with his talk. 524 00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:19,956 So I thought, "I'll sit down with Nilsen myself." 525 00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:22,875 I wanted to see if he could remember anything extra 526 00:33:24,210 --> 00:33:27,338 about the pubs where he picked some of the victims up. 527 00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:29,966 And he told us a lot of them 528 00:33:31,968 --